


But I'm a Fire and I'll Keep Your Brittle Heart Warm

by lco123



Series: Slow Burn [1]
Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Post-Season/Series 01, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26350471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: The day before school starts, Sterling actually spends the afternoon trying to craft a casually friendly opening line, something to break the ice, but it’s so hard. Every time she practices saying, “Hey April! How was your summer?” all she can think is,I had my first orgasm while thinking about you. And several more after, if I’m being honest.
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley, Blair Wesley & Sterling Wesley
Series: Slow Burn [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094087
Comments: 373
Kudos: 1005





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This show, you guys. It's so good. The fic demanded to be written. I have no idea how long this will be or what my update schedule will be, but I'm sure having fun writing it!

The summer before senior year is not Sterling’s favorite.

Between the ongoing fallout of learning who her real mother is—her dad starts making Maury Povich jokes (“You are _not_ the mama!"), too soon, as a way to cope, and Sterling is forced to explain more than once that she doesn’t get the reference—and what feels like an endless cycle of both hiding from and looking for April, Sterling is an anxious mess by August. She and Blair are in therapy, but it still doesn’t feel like enough.

“I can’t keep doing this,” she tells Blair one late summer night. “My head is so full of worries that I feel like it’s going to explode.”

“Like that episode of _Grey’s Anatomy_ where that kid’s bladder almost exploded because they’d been giving him fluids all day?”

“Gross. But also, aw. I love that episode.”

Blair turns to face Sterling from the other side of the bed, raising a conspiratorial eyebrow. “I know. That’s the one where Callie and Erica kiss for the first time.”

“That’s not, like, _why_ I like it. Or at least not the only reason.”

Blair puts a hand on Sterling’s arm. “It would be okay if it was, though.”

Sterling lets out a long puff of air, sitting up. “But also, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. There’s just too much going on. Not the least of which the fact that I, y’know…”

“Have a vested interest in watching women kiss on TV?”

“I _did_ spend most of last night watching compilation videos from different shows on YouTube.”

“I know, we share an account.” Blair sighs. “Shay Mitchell is _so_ hot.”

Blair’s been doing that lately, making little comments like that. Sterling isn’t sure if she’s just being supportive or working through some feelings of her own, but Sterling has decided to let it go, for now. It’s Blair’s business, and besides, Sterling has enough on her plate dealing with her own sexual awakening.

“She is,” Sterling agrees, settling back against the pillows.

It’s quiet for a few minutes, before Blair says, “Y’know, I was reading about some gay support groups here in Atlanta. We could go to one, if you want.”

“You were…reading about them?”

“I researched them.”

“For me?”

“Of course.”

Sterling’s chest feels so tight with love that tears spring to her eyes. “Oh, Blair.”

“I love you more than life itself,” Blair continues, her voice getting that fierce edge that means she’s serious. “And you know I’d defend you from anyone who gave you shit. But I also get that you, like, need people who get it. People from your _community.”_ She says the word with a lofty inflection that makes Sterling giggle.

“Will you show me what you found? Tomorrow?” Sterling asks.

“Mmm hmm.” Blair snuggles in closer, and for the first time all day Sterling feels like she can breathe.

\--

“We look like we’re in a bad play,” Sterling points out, tugging at the blonde wig that Blair whipped out of her bag the second they got to the parking lot.

“ _You_ might look like you’re in a bad play, but I look awesome.” Blair shakes her head and the hairs on her long black wig flip around. “I look like Angelina Jolie in _Salt_.”

“Why am I still blonde?” Sterling asks as she studies her reflection in the dashboard mirror. “Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose? Should we switch?”

“Negative,” Blair replies. “That shade of blonde wouldn’t work with my skin tone. You wanna ditch the wigs altogether?”

Sterling considers for a second. It’s not that she’s ashamed to be going to an LGBTQIA+ support group. It’s more that she doesn’t want this information to get back to her parents before she has the chance to tell them. After the whole Luke thing, she can’t take any chances.

“The wigs stay,” she decides, firmly. “Let’s go.”

The group is small, comprised of mostly teens with a couple of older people, and a facilitator who looks like she’s in her mid-twenties. Everyone says their pronouns at the start, which is new for Sterling, but super helpful. There’s a kind of awkward moment where someone in the group assumes that Blair and Sterling are girlfriends, and Blair mutters under her breath about how she bets Debbie and Dana never got mistaken for a couple, but then everyone moves on.

Sterling mostly listens, and it’s all a little new, a little outside her comfort zone, but she’s so glad to be there. Just hearing other people talk about the confusion and excitement, the weird combination of no certainty but intense clarity, makes her feel seen in a way she hasn’t before. These past few months have been so strange and sad and dark, but in a weird way, avoiding April has made Sterling realize that the way she feels isn’t just about her.

“I loved my girlfriend so much,” one young woman says. “And then we broke up and I was like—who even am I? _What_ even am I?”

“I feel that,” Sterling replies, before she can hold the words back.

“Do you want to speak about it?” the facilitator prompts.

Sterling hesitates, looking at Blair, who offers an encouraging nod. “It’s like,” she begins. “When all I could think about was her, I almost didn’t even have to think about me, because I was so focused on someone else. And now, we’re…I don’t even know what we are. But we’re not together. And I’m realizing that it’s not just her. I’m pretty sure I’m…bisexual.”

Sterling feels her heart start pounding harder, just hearing herself say the word. “I haven’t said that out loud before.”

The facilitator smiles. “Well, congratulations. And welcome to the family.”

Later, someone talks about being afraid to come out because of their homophobic parents, and Sterling can’t not think about April. A lump forms in her throat as the boy describes his terror at the idea of being sent away, of being exiled from his family, or worse.

Sterling wishes she could hug April, to tell her that she’s sorry. She understands now that she pushed too hard. She wishes she could go back, could say something different…

But that thought is no use. She can only move forward.

That night, she prays for April.

\--

Sterling goes to another two meetings—one with Blair, and one without—before she decides that she’s ready for the next step. She calls a family meeting, and Blair holds her hand as she tells her parents, “I’m bisexual.”

Time seems to stretch on forever in the seconds after the words leave her mouth. Sterling knows her parents well enough to be certain that she won’t be sent to conversion therapy, or anything like that. But still, this is a change, a big one, and her parents might be worlds better than April’s but they aren’t exactly progressive.

Her father nods and then shakes his head, and her mother opens and closes her mouth about a dozen times before standing up. “Sterling,” Debbie says slowly. “I’m going to take some space, because I really don’t want to say anything that I’m going to regret later.” Debbie lets out a shaky breath, like she’s fighting back tears, which makes Sterling want to cry herself. Or possibly throw up.

“But,” Debbie continues, “I love you, and God loves you. And nothing can change that.” She squeezes Sterling’s shoulder before walking off to the bathroom.

Anderson offers a small smile. “We might just need a little time on this one, sweetheart. But what your mother says is right. We love you, no matter what.”

Sterling finally lets the tears fall once it’s just her and Blair. Blair pulls her into a hug, and between the squeezing and the crying Sterling starts violently hiccuping. Which makes them both laugh, and then Blair is hiccuping too.

“How do you feel?” Blair asks between gulps of air.

“I don’t even know,” Sterling replies. “Better, I think.”

“They’ll come around,” Blair assures her.

Sterling nods and wipes her tears. “Y’know, in their own way, I think they already have.”

\--

By the end of August, Sterling’s anxiety has taken a new shape. She’s feeling more comfortable at home—things with her parents are a little weird, but not significantly more than usual—and she and Blair have resumed their work with Bowser and Yolanda, a development which, weirdly, brings Sterling a sense of peace.

But now school is looming, which means, well. A lot.

“Should I cut my hair?” Sterling asks Blair one day. “I’ve been looking online, and apparently the bisexual bob is kind of a thing.”

“Do you _want_ to cut your hair?” Blair asks.

Sterling really ponders the question before shaking her head. “Nah, I like my hair.”

“Then wear it proudly! There’s no wrong way to be bisexual!”

“Y’know, you could totally be a motivational speaker.”

Blair snaps her fingers. “I was just thinking that!”

There’s more to consider than hair, though, and Sterling knows it. Like, does she just announce in fellowship that she’s bisexual? Does she wait until she finds a girl she wants to date? What if there are no other girls she wants to date besides April?

April, April. Sterling is still spending a lot of time thinking about her. There hasn’t been any public information released about the John Stevens case, and if he’s told April that Sterling and Blair were the ones who brought him in, April isn’t in the mood to share it. Sterling isn’t sure what’s worse: knowing if April knows, or not knowing.

After the lock-in, the two of them avoided each other as much as possible. Even Ellen seemed to get the hint, and she stopped pairing them together for projects. Seeing April every day was excruciating, but at least Sterling could keep tabs on her. April, for her part, snapped right back into her previous mode of, as Sterling is sure she’d put it, “misdirected anger.”

This April-less summer has been its own kind of torture, wondering whether they’ll run into each other and not being sure which outcome to pray for. She’s not certain she can handle another whole year of avoidance.

The day before school starts, Sterling actually spends the afternoon trying to craft a casually friendly opening line, something to break the ice, but it’s so hard. Every time she practices saying, “Hey April! How was your summer?” all she can think is, _I had my first orgasm while thinking about you. And several more after, if I’m being honest._

She’s just about to throw in the towel and suggest to Blair that they go get pedicures when there’s a knock on the door. No one else is downstairs, so Sterling goes to answer it, and standing right there is April herself.

Any line Sterling might have prepared immediately flies out the window.

April looks her right in the eyes, betraying nothing, as she says evenly, “Sterling. Can we talk?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm not big on self-promotion, but I want to share something that I think is kind of cool: I have a podcast with my friend and fellow AO3 writer speakpirate called **Everybody A Everybody Gay**. We normally talk about Pretty Little Liars, but we did a bonus episode of TBH, and, due to the magic and mystery of the internet, some TBH cast members have actually listened to it. Yes, I'm still pinching myself. If you're interested, you can look us up wherever you listen to podcasts. We're planning on starting more in-depth coverage on TBH in the coming weeks.
> 
> Alright, self-promo done! Enjoy the chapter. :)

“April!” Sterling chirps. “Um, come in!”

“You’re going to need to move first,” April points out, and Sterling realizes that she’s effectively blocking the door. She shuffles to the side, giving April a wide berth to move through the entryway—though not so wide that Sterling can’t smell her shampoo, which she totally doesn’t savor the smell of, not that anyone was asking.

“Can I get you anything?” Sterling asks, already wringing her hands together. “We’ve got hummus and carrots, or if you’re in more of a sweets mood, my mom made these shortbread cookies with—”

“I know you turned my dad in.”

Sterling’s pretty sure her heart falls through her stomach. “This feels like a shortbread conversation.”

But April grabs her arm before Sterling can turn toward the kitchen, and the gesture inconveniently sends shockwaves through Sterling’s entire body. _Lord_ , she thinks, _please help me calm the eff down._

“I don’t want your shortbread,” April says lowly, still clinging to Sterling’s arm. “I want some answers.”

Sterling nods. “I can understand that. Do you wanna go to my room?”

There’s a flash in April’s eyes at that suggestion, and Sterling gulps. April hasn’t been in her room since they were ten years old, and this is not how Sterling envisioned having her back there just a few months ago.

“Fine,” April agrees.

“Blair’s here,” Sterling mentions. “In case you want to talk to her, too.”

“No. I want to talk to _you.”_

So Sterling leads her upstairs, grateful for once that Blair seems to be in another “feeling sad about Miles” phase and has been absorbed in a _Riverdale_ marathon all day.

April takes in the sight of Sterling’s room with an imperceptible expression, like she might be judging or curious but is at the very least documenting, in that specific April way, should there be pertinent information here that she needs for later.

Sterling offers her the vanity chair and then curls up on the center of the bed. April’s posture is prim, almost brittle, and it breaks Sterling’s heart a little that she can’t be more relaxed here.

Sterling finds enough bravery within herself to look April in the eyes as she says, “Where do you want to start?”

April’s jaw seems to jump, her eyes misting over ever so slightly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Sterling wishes she had a good answer prepared, since in some sense it’s the question that’s been brewing since the night she and Blair brought John Stevens in. But the thought of having this conversation with April has been so painful that it’s like Sterling’s brain has blocked her from thinking about it fully.

Ironic, she thinks now, that she was ultimately the one so good at compartmentalizing.

She clears her throat, trying to find the words. “What we have—had—was so…so good, and unexpected. I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“I thought…” April’s voice cracks. “I thought we were honest with each other.”

“I was,” Sterling insists. “About everything else. Everything related to us.”

“This _is_ related to us! It’s related to me.” April wipes fiercely at a tear that’s threatening to fall. “This is my life, Sterl. I can’t just excise the pieces that don’t work for you.”

“But your dad is…I mean he’s…” Sterling tries, knowing she’s screwing this up.

“He’s not a good guy,” April acknowledges. “But he’s my father, and right now he’s in my life, whether I like it or not.” She shakes her head. “What were you even _doing_ there?”

Sterling feels her eyes well up. She doesn’t want to lie to April, not about anything else. And at the same time, this isn’t fully her own secret to tell. “It’s really complicated.”

“I think I can keep up. What, you and Blair are like…vigilantes, or something?”

“Or something,” Sterling settles on. “We thought we were doing the right thing.”

“Right for whom?”

“For, y’know. The world,” Sterling offers in a small voice. “It was the Christian thing to do.”

“Yeah, well, next time, volunteer at a food bank.” April sighs and twists a piece of hair around her finger. Sterling tries not to stare. “I just wish it hadn’t been you.”

“I know. I wish the same thing.” Sterling takes a deep breath. “I think you should know that I don’t regret it. But I’m really, really sorry that it’s made your life so hard.” _And that it’s probably ruined any chance for us,_ she thinks but doesn’t say.

“It wasn’t particularly easy before all this happened.”

Sterling wants to lunge across the room and hug April. Instead, she pinches her thigh with her thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

April cocks her head to one side, like she’s considering her next statement. “In case you were wondering, I didn’t just find out.”

“You didn’t?”

“My dad told me about a week after the lock-in.”

Sterling frowns. “But you never—”

“I thought about all sorts of scenarios, believe me. All different ways to get back and you and Blair.” April laughs mirthlessly. “They were _dramatic_. One involved sky-writing.”

Sterling leans forward. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I didn’t want to make a terrible situation even worse. And…” Her eyes fix on Sterling’s, burning like coal, before glancing away. “And because even though I was so furious, I knew that you hadn’t done it to hurt me. You’re a good person. It’s…annoying.”

Sterling’s heart starts beating a little faster and she takes a shaky breath to settle herself. “So you sat on this for months?”

April nods. “I needed some time. Before I did something reckless.” She smooths her skirt. “But our senior year starts tomorrow, and I wanted us to be clear about a few things.”

“A few things?”

“We’ll continue as we have. We’ll stay out of each other’s way, but when pushed together, we’re sworn enemies. Like always.”

“No,” Sterling hears herself say.

April’s eyebrows fly up. “What?”

“No,” Sterling repeats, firmer this time, pushing past the fear to say what she needs April to hear. “I’m not going to pretend like I don’t know you or like you. Look, I won’t ask you for anything. And I know I messed things up with us, not even talking about your dad. But I don’t want to be your enemy.”

“ _You_ messed things up?” April repeats.

“I pushed you too hard to come out. I had no right to do that.”

April’s cheeks pink just enough for Sterling to see. “That’s…well, yes. Thank you for acknowledging that.”

Sterling is quiet for a second before asking, “Do you think we could be friends?”

“No,” April says automatically. Then her eyes flash back to Sterling’s. “Maybe someday.”

Sterling smiles slightly, letting herself feel a fraction of hope. “I’ll take it.”

\- -

Sterling walks April out, once again resisting the urge to hug her. Things are still awkward between them, and probably will be for a while, but today feels like the start of something promising.

Sterling watches April get into her car from the doorway, and she isn’t even aware of the big grin on her face until Blair tromps down the stairs to stand beside her.

“Oh, you’ve still got it bad,” Blair comments. “What’d she want?”

Sterling waves at April, who rolls her eyes but waves back before driving off. “Um, she kind of knows that we turned her dad in.”

“She _what_?!”

Sterling loops her arm through Blair’s. “Don’t worry. She’s gonna be cool about it.”

“When has April Stevens ever been ‘cool’ about anything?”

“I don’t know, something tells me she’s turning over a new leaf.” Sterling looks out the window for one more second, like doing so can keep the memory of April’s hair and face and smell closer for just a little bit longer, before tugging Blair toward the stairs. “C’mon, let’s get our uniforms ready for tomorrow.”

“I don’t wanna!” Blair whines.

“We can listen to Genghis Tron while we do it!”

“Score!” Blair cheers, and they race up the stairs together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any folks interested in my podcast's coverage of TBH, we'll be posting an ep on the first two episodes of the season this coming Wednesday!

The first few weeks of school pass mostly without incident. There’s a comfort in being back in the routine, of having certain things to rely on. Ellen is delighted to start another year and hear about everyone’s summer. Luke’s hair is short and he’s captain of the golf team again, but he still carries a guitar around and occasionally even bursts into a half-finished tune during Fellowship. Sometimes Sterling catches him looking at her, a wistful expression frantically sliding off his face as soon as he notices her eyes on him. Eventually, though, he seems to stop looking, or maybe Sterling stops noticing as much.

Truthfully, Sterling’s doing some looking of her own, but definitely not at Luke. April waltzes into senior year full of confidence, which is nothing new.

What _is_ new is the way she carries it about her. She’s still the same intense April, still driven and competitive and more than a little mean at times. But there’s a level of calm to her now, of self-assuredness. As though she doesn’t feel like she has so much to prove. April smiles more, is quicker to laugh. Sterling observes her with Ezequiel and Hannah B., noticing that while she’s undoubtedly still leader of the pack, the two of them seem more like actual friends than minions for the first time in, well, ever.

The thought that other people might get to experience _her_ April, might get to realize the full depths of who April is as a person and what she has to offer the world, makes Sterling’s heart feel light. And yes, of course, she knows that no part of April is technically _hers_ —never was, really, even though it had sort of felt that way for a few magical days—but still. When she sees April across the quad, smirking over something Ezequiel’s just said, it’s hard not to think of that same smirk the night of the arcade, or the night in the car, or, or, or…

Sometimes, Sterling wishes her brain had an off switch.

Luckily, there’s Blair and bounty hunting to keep her busy. Bowser has delayed his move indefinitely, citing his preference for Atlanta weather, which both Sterling and Blair know is a lazy cover for his fear of missing Yolanda and the two of them.

One afternoon, they’re in the back of his car, waiting for a skip who’s supposedly on his way to collect some cash from a laundromat-slash-front, when Blair asks, out of the blue, “Are you gonna come out at school?”

Bowser sighs and leans his forehead against the steering wheel. “This one’s on me. I was being way too optimistic that the peace and quiet might actually last for more than twenty minutes.”

Blair, in the passenger's seat, sticks her tongue out at him. “We’ve been waiting here for almost an hour. I’m bored. And curious.” She pauses, considering. “And also kinda hungry.”

“Then bring a magazine and a sandwich next time,” Bowser advises.

Sterling leans forward from the backseat, half hoping that the two of them will tire each other out with banter and she won’t have to answer the question.

But of course, Blair is staring right back at her, blinking expectantly. “So, are you? I mean, it’s totally fine either way, of course, and you know I’ll have your back you no matter what. I just thought if I knew, maybe I could prepare.”

“Prepare what, exactly?” Sterling prompts.

“Y’know. My awesome ally speech. ‘Love is love, we’re all God’s children, also if you give my sister shit I’ll cut off your balls with a rusty saw.’ That kind of thing.”

“Jesus, Blair!” Bowser winces.

“Language,” Sterling admonishes, automatically. “And what if a girl gives me, y’know…shit?”

Blair drums her fingers on her chin. “I’ll punch her in the ovaries? Pinch her nipples off with a crab claw?”

“So violent.” Sterling scrunches up her nose. “Also very cis-normative.”

“Cis- _what_?” Bowser asks.

“Plus where would you get the crab?” Sterling asks.

“Don’t try to distract me with crab talk and the fancy words you’ve learned at your support group,” Blair says. “I’m serious, Sterl. I’m trying to be supportive.”

“Y’all have a weird way of showing support,” Bowser mutters.

Sterling takes a deep breath, nodding. “Yeah, I know. Honestly, I haven’t decided yet.”

It’s the truth. Sterling has spent a lot of nights thinking about the question—the when, how and why of coming out to her school—but she can never seem to land on an answer that feels right. Lying always feels awful, and yet there’s no real reason to come out now. She’s not itching for another scandal.

It’s not like she’s actively trying to date any girls at her school. Or like she’s in a relationship with one. It would be totally different if she and April were actually together, if they were coming out as a couple, declaring their love, or whatever.

But they’re decidedly not. A fact which hurts, more than Sterling would like to admit. And she really can’t imagine liking anyone, boy or girl, as much as April. At least right now.

This is the part of the thought process that leaves Sterling a little sad and dizzy, and is usually the time in the evening when she flips onto her stomach and starts thinking about April in other ways. April’s voice will echo in her mind ( _“I have this intense urge to…ravage you.”_ ) and Sterling will let a hand slip down her body as she imagines the things April might have wanted to do to her, all of the ways they could lose control, together. And sometimes she’ll even let herself wonder if April might be thinking of her in this way, even now, after everything.

That’s the thought that almost always sends her over the edge, shaking and breathless, finally relaxed enough to get some sleep.

But of course she isn’t going to share any of that now, sitting in a car with Blair and Bowser, waiting for this darn skip that’s probably never going to show.

“I’ll keep you posted,” Sterling adds, and Blair seems mildly satisfied with the answer. A few minutes later she’s complaining of hunger again, so Bowser sends her off to the gas station, promising they won’t bust down any doors in her absence.

As soon as Blair has left the car, Bowser catches Sterling’s gaze in the rearview mirror. “That sister of yours. She loves you like crazy.”

Sterling, mentally still lingering on Blair’s question, nods in response.

“You coming out, though,” Bowser continues. “It’s your business. Nobody else’s. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah,” Sterling replies.

“Not God’s, not your parents’. Not even Blair’s, as much as she might believe otherwise. So you take whatever time you need. You don’t have to prove nothing to nobody.”

Sterling’s chest feels so full again, and she leans forward, wrapping her arms around Bowser’s shoulders from behind. “Thanks, Bowsie.”

He hesitates for a second, then pats her hand. “Any time, kid. Any time.”

\--

Sterling doesn’t actually have as many classes with April this year, which turns out to be both a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand, she misses sitting behind April in Spanish class, watching her twirl her fingers around her ponytail, stomach jolting every time April rolls her Rs. On the other hand, the last few months of Sterling’s junior year were awful, sharing so much of her day with a person she was more or less actively avoiding. Senior year is shaping up to be busy, and Sterling is okay with a few less distractions.

And then just as soon as Sterling has made peace with her new normal, Forensics starts up again. Sterling considered quitting Forensics for senior year, for a variety of reasons that always seemed to circle back to April, but she ultimately couldn’t justify the choice. Especially since it’s something she happens to be improving at.

The first week of Forensics is mostly prep, an opportunity for everyone to sharpen their skills after a summer away. They have round after round of mock debates, each student getting to argue both affirmative and negative and then receive feedback on their performance. “Watch closely and take notes,” their teacher instructs. “Your ability to give concise feedback is as important as your debate performance.”

April is in one of the early rounds, and Sterling has to remind herself to look away enough to write something down, and then to write something down that’s actually constructive.

Something tells Sterling that the words “ _please top me”_ wouldn’t fly.

It’s all just…a lot. April is so passionate, so in her element. Clear and concise and unflinching. Eyes wide and mouth moving a mile a minute. She crushes both of her debates, naturally, then smiles at Sterling when she’s done. Almost like she did it just for her.

Sterling considers it a Herculean feat that she doesn’t excuse herself to a supply closet.

When their teacher prompts Sterling for feedback, April looks right in Sterling’s eyes, her lips quivering on the edge of a smirk.

“You were awesome,” Sterling manages.

“Can you be more specific?” April asks. “I mean, there’s not much room for improvement, I realize. But I think we’d all benefit from more specificity, right?” She directs the question to their teacher, but is staring at Sterling the entire time.

Sterling bites the inside of her cheek, languishing in a brief fantasy of telling April exactly how awesome she is, exactly how that debate performance made Sterling feel. Like her entire body is on fire, like all she can think about is April grabbing her by the arm and kissing her until—

“I agree,” their teacher chimes in. “Sterling?”

“Your vocabulary,” Sterling murmurs. “Um, just. Top-notch.”

She gives a double thumbs up, ridiculously, and that seems to break April’s resolve just enough for her to laugh. The noise bubbles out of April, high and pretty, sending butterflies flooding through Sterling’s abdomen.

It feels better than ten wins.


	4. Chapter 4

Sterling has plenty to focus on, between school and therapy and support group and bounty hunting, so it doesn’t really occur to her that Ellen hasn’t named a new Fellowship leader until she overhears Hannah G. and Kendall talking about it in the girls’ bathroom one day.

“Ellen’s probably scared,” Kendall is saying. “After everything that happened last year.”

“Oh God, April and that _condom_?” Hannah G. replies around a laugh. “What a weirdo!”

“Poor Sterling. She didn’t deserve that.”

“Yeah, April’s such a bitch to her.”

Sterling waits in the stall for a long time after that, processing this brief window into the way the student body seems to view her relationship with April. _If only they knew_ , she thinks, and then her heart squeezes tight, because there are so many reasons why they don’t.

By the end of the week, though, Sterling’s curiosity has gotten the better of her. She starts wondering if maybe Ellen has decided to forgo having a new leader altogether. Sterling isn’t even sure if she wants the job—though she’s pretty sure she’d do a kickass job at it, pardon her French, especially if she actually got a chance to lead this time. But she sort of feels like she’s in an invisible competition with April, one that neither of them exactly signed up for. It’s unnerving. She really wants some answers.

Luckily, she doesn’t have to wait long. Ellen corners her after Fellowship one afternoon, asking Sterling to her office.

Sterling doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to set foot in this room again without getting butterflies.

“So, Sterling, I wanted to have a check in with you,” Ellen begins, sitting down at her desk and motioning for Sterling to sit opposite. “Just a little girl chat about Fellowship. Would that be okay?”

“Totally,” Sterling replies, both nervous and relieved that the conversation is finally taking place.

“Because I think of you as my pal, so I want to make sure that you’re okay with my proposal.”

“Your proposal?”

Ellen nods. “I’d like you and April to be our co-leaders.”

Sterling blinks. Once. Twice. Three times. Definitely too many for it to seem normal.

Ellen continues, “I know y’all have had your differences in the past, and that’s why I’m bringing this to you. But you girls are _good_ together.”

“We…are?” Sterling says numbly.

“You are,” Ellen confirms. “I know it might not always feel this way, but you bring out the best in each other. That’s a true partnership. Some of us spend years looking for something like that, let me tell ya.”

“April and I aren’t…partners,” Sterling rushes to say. “Or whatever. I mean, we don’t, we’re not—”

Ellen waves a hand through the air. “Oh, I get it. Friendships are hard. That’s why I’m so glad you and I can talk like this. And if the idea of working with April gives you the heebie-jeebies, I understand. Just hear me out: you’ve got a gift for talking to people, April’s real good at getting them to listen. Together I think you two might just be the perfect leader.”

“So we’d be doing everything together?” Sterling asks, her heart starting to pound a little harder. “Leading prayers and planning everything?”

“Yes, m’am. Side by side. Kinda like Naomi and Ruth.”

Sterling chokes on her spit, and Ellen gives her a strange look. “I’m fine,” Sterling assures her. “I just don’t think April would go for this.”

Ellen smiles. “She already said yes.”

“What?”

“Honestly, I figured she’d be the harder sell anyway. But she agreed, easy as anything.” Ellen shrugs. “Guess people can surprise ya.”

Sterling nods tightly. “Guess so. Um, I’d like to check in with her before I say for sure, if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Ellen replies. “Just don’t take too long. Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor, and all that.” She winks. “You know where that’s from?”

“The…Bible?” Sterling guesses.

Ellen shakes her head. “ _Into the Woods_. Y’know, I was in a regional production a few years back. Played one of the evil stepsisters. They’re blind in the second act and I was bumping into everything! Bruises all up and down my shins.” She must note the distracted look on Sterling’s face because she stands up. “Anyway, doesn’t matter. You talk to April and get back to me.”

Sterling tries not to bolt out of the room, but her mind is whirring. She’s just so perplexed by what April’s response could mean. April hasn’t been outright hostile to her since school started, but they’ve definitely been keeping their distance, and April’s made it pretty clear that they’re nowhere near the “maybe someday” of possible friendship.

And this is _April._ Competitive and driven and attention-seeking, in the ways that suit her. Why on earth would she be open to sharing the limelight with Sterling, here in their senior year after everything?

At lunch Sterling breezes past Blair—hearing a squawk of “What the hell?” in her wake—and makes a beeline for April’s table. April is studying her phone intently, so Ezequiel sees Sterling first. His brow furrows and he mutters something that sounds like, “I really wouldn’t,” before Sterling grabs April’s arm.

(And God, will the grabbing of arms never not be a _thing_ for the two of them? Sterling knows before she even tightens her grip that she’ll be thinking about this later, and that knowledge makes it a little hard to focus.)

April looks up at her sharply. “What are you doing?” she demands, gaze volleying between Sterling’s hand and her eyes.

“I’d like to talk to you,” Sterling replies. “Now.”

“Well, I’m busy,” April says, yanking her arm away.

“You could take a number,” Hannah B. offers, in a tone that suggests she’s genuinely trying to be helpful, not snarky.

Sterling realizes, inconveniently, that this is the closest she’s physically been to April in some time. It makes her think, once again, about all those years before they kissed, all the time they spent being rivals, orbiting each other so intensely, constantly focused on the otherbut in the wrong way. Sometimes that thought makes Sterling’s stomach clench with a feeling close to grief. How much time did they waste?

Now, though, she takes in April’s appearance. April’s eyes are red-rimmed and her hair’s frizzy.

Sterling feels the urgency of her question melt into actual concern. “Are you okay?” she asks, injecting more softness into her tone.

April doesn’t answer so Ezequiel pipes up, “She’s fine.”

“Actually, she kind of isn’t,” Hannah B. whispers conspiratorially.

"Read the room," Ezequiel says between gritted teeth.

"We're outside, _Ezequiel_!" Hannah B. chirps.

April flattens her palms against the table, rising to stand. “Enough of this.” Sterling is expecting her to storm off, but instead April looks her in the eye. “Let’s go. I don’t have all day.”

They head to a bench—not The Bench, thankfully; Sterling can barely walk past it without crying—and both are silent for several seconds before April asks, “What was so important that you felt the need to interrupt my lunch?”

“Well,” Sterling starts off. “It was about Fellowship leader. But it seems like—”

“You want it?” April cuts in.

Sterling’s eyebrows knit together. “No, I want to know why you agreed to share it with me. Ellen told me, and I thought...”

“What?”

“I was surprised, I guess.”

April sighs. “Look, I wasn’t thrilled about the suggestion, myself. But after the hell that was last year, I could do with a drama-free senior year.”

Sterling snorts. “You? Drama-free?”

April doesn’t take the bait, continuing, “It’ll lighten our individual workloads and still look good on any future resume or application. And it seems to be the path of least resistance right now, so.” Her eyes narrow in Sterling’s direction. “Were you hoping we’d mud wrestle for it, or something?”

Sterling hates the way her body tingles at the suggestion. “No, that does make sense. I just—are you okay?”

“You already asked me that.”

“You didn’t tell me the truth before,” Sterling points out, confident in her answer.

April stares straight ahead, smoothing her skirt. “I can’t talk to you about it.” She hits the _you_ with a little more emphasis than necessary, and Sterling realizes what that likely means.

“Your dad?”

April hesitates, then nods.

Sterling’s heart starts pounding, though whether it’s with anxiety for herself or for April, she isn’t sure. “What happened?”

“That’s none of your concern.”

“April—”

“He got arrested again,” April blurts out. “He hurt another woman. A girl, actually. She’s underage. And the runaway niece of a judge.”

Sterling puts a hand on April’s knee, instinctively. April flinches but doesn’t push her away.

“Oh my gosh,” Sterling murmurs, more filled with sorrow for April than any real surprise. “I’m so sorry.”

“So he’ll be going away again,” April continues. “And from what I hear, it’s unlikely that his charges will get dropped this time.” She turns to Sterling, expression stony. “Which is good for you, isn’t it?”

Sterling shakes her head, refusing to be hurt by that remark. “None of this is good for me. Or for you. What do you need?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s okay to need things from people.”

“Nothing from _you_ ,” April emphasizes.

Sterling knows April well enough to see that she’s fighting back tears, locking her emotions tightly in one of the many little boxes that she shoves to the back of her mind.

“I’m here for you,” Sterling says. “Seriously. I know things are complicated and weird, but—I care about you.”

April stares at Sterling’s hand on her knee for a long moment, like she’s debating whether to slap it away or put her own hand on top. Finally she stands, and Sterling’s hand slips free in the process.

 _The path of least resistance_ , Sterling thinks sadly.

April sniffs, once, then squares her shoulders. “Our first planning meeting will be Friday right after school. Meet here, and don’t be late.”

She marches off without another word, leaving Sterling more confused than she has been all day.


	5. Chapter 5

Friday arrives both too quickly and not nearly fast enough. Sterling spends a good twenty minutes adjusting her hairline in the morning, and Blair is a good enough sister to not mock her for it.

“You know,” Blair says gently (or, gently for Blair) as they screech into the school parking lot, “that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, right?”

Sterling lets out an anxious puff of air. “I know.”

The problem is, Sterling doesn’t really know what she does or doesn’t want. When she’s near April, it’s hard to think. Everything is so complicated and sad and weird between them, but there’s also this undeniable charge, this electric current, that Sterling longs to be shocked by. It’s totally intoxicating, and mildly infuriating.

The day passes at a glacial speed. Finally Sterling is approaching their bench, just as her phone starts to buzz. It’s Blair calling, probably offering words of moral support, so she ignores the call, and when she looks up April is sitting there.

Wearing a lacrosse uniform.

Sterling does a double-take. “You’re…” she begins, sitting down beside April.

“I joined the team,” April supplies. “Today was my first day.”

Sterling’s phone buzzes again, this time with a text from Blair that just reads, _omfg! U won’t BELIEVE who my new teammate is!_

“How’d it go?” Sterling asks in what she hopes is a casual tone.

“It went fine,” April replies. Her tone is nonchalant, but overly so, like she’s trying to cover some potential insecurity. She fidgets a little in the uniform, which Sterling notices is a bit too big for her. Her ponytail has started to come loose, and her socks are grass-stained. The look isn’t exactly hot—mostly because Sterling primarily associates the uniform with Blair, so _ew_ —but this is also April, so it’s not _not_ hot.

“What inspired you?”

April twists the hem of the jersey. “It seemed like a good outlet.” She clears her throat. “My dad used to think it was too…”

“Too what?”

April’s eyes crinkle for a second, then her expression flattens again. “Never mind.”

Sterling’s stomach clenches as she mentally fills in the rest of that sentence:

_“…too masculine.”_

_“…too aggressive.”_

_“…too dykey.”_

She can practically hear John Stevens voicing those hateful opinions, as casually as anything, without a care in the world for how his words might impact his daughter.

 _Fuck him_ , Sterling thinks fiercely.

“Your sister is thrilled.”

Sterling attempts a smile. “She didn’t go easy on you, I take it?”

April shakes her head. “That would be a definite no. At one point she said something about the old Wesley check?”

“Oh yeah, she’s proud of that move.” Sterling tries to subtly check April out for any minor scrapes without making it look like she’s, y’know, _checking April out_. “I hope she didn’t hurt you, though.”

April’s eyes widen, as though to say, _As if!_ “Don’t worry, I gave as good as I got.”

It’s another remark that shouldn’t turn Sterling on as much as it does, but that seems to be a common theme, where April is concerned.

“I told you she hated me,” April continues. Sterling thinks she means it as a joke, though the words come out a little too soft.

“She’s just being protective,” Sterling counters, aware they might be wading into murky water, here.

April is quiet for a second, studying her hands. “I suppose I can’t blame her entirely.”

“Yeah, she’s kinda like a fierce mama tiger. Someone breaks her baby cub’s heart, and she pounces.” Sterling doesn’t really register the words that have left her mouth until April looks up at her sharply. “I mean—I don’t mean—”

“I broke your heart?”

Any pretense has drained from April’s voice, like that night in the arcade, leaving the question hanging there, genuine and dangerous. Sterling has a sudden desire to shield them both from the answer.

Luckily, April seems to feel the same way, quickly adding, “Don’t answer that. What are you thinking for Fellowship on Monday?”

“Oh!” Sterling scrambles for her notebook, unprepared but eager to move on. She expected April to come in with a ten-point plan, to steamroll the entire operation. Not that Sterling necessarily would have let her. Or at least, she wouldn’t have planned to.

"I thought maybe we could roll the dice and tackle homosexuality on our first day,” Sterling mutters as she pages through the notebook. She chances a glance up at April, who might be horrified or might be holding back a laugh.

Sterling cracks a grin. “Kidding, of course.”

April rolls her eyes. “I _know.”_

Sterling finally finds the page in question. She squares her shoulders, looking April in the eye. “Okay. I think we should talk about forgiveness.”

“Forgiveness,” April echoes, like she’s tasting the word. She holds Sterling’s gaze, and Sterling is fully expecting an emphatic veto, but then April’s mouth twitches with something close to a smile.

“Forgiveness,” she repeats. “Okay.”

\--

The conversation flows more naturally between the two of them, after the initial awkwardness has faded and they can settle in to actually planning their first meeting. Sterling thinks that having an itinerary is helpful; it puts both of them at ease, and having specific talking points to cover makes it easier to avoid any more conversational landmines.

Pretty soon, Blair is screeching up in the Volt, and it’s time to say goodbye. Sterling opts for an awkward shoulder pat this time, which April purses her lips at but doesn’t comment on.

Blair, unsurprisingly, has less restraint. “What’s the opposite of smooth?” she asks by way of greeting once Sterling climbs in the car.

“Shut _up.”_

“I would say ‘rough,’ but that just sounds kinky, y’know?” Blair waggles her eyebrows as they angle out of the parking lot. “You wanna get _rough_ with my new teammate, Sterl?”

Sterling does, very much, but she keeps that thought to herself. She narrows her eyes at Blair, still in her uniform.

“What?” Blair asks. “I can feel you staring.”

Sterling shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s just…I don’t know. Weird that you guys are on the same team, or whatever.”

“I think you two are the ones _on the same team_ , if you know what I mean.”

Sterling snorts, in spite of herself. “Is she good?”

“You tell me.”

“ _Blair.”_

Blair sighs. “Yeah, she is. Annoyingly so. I hate to say this, but I think she’s going to be an asset.”

Sterling nods. She isn’t surprised. April would be good at anything she set her mind to. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” Blair replies, without hesitation.

“Don’t torture her, okay?”

Blair glances at her sharply. “Okay, first of all, _torture_ is a very loaded term and concept, so let’s slow our fucking roll. Second of all, what did she tell you?”

“She didn’t have to tell me much,” Sterling says, trying to sound measured and mature and not like her brain might be overflowing. “I know you. And I get that she wasn’t your favorite person even before all of this, but I really don’t need any defending.”

Blair is silent for a moment. Sterling can tell that she’s stewing a little, but mostly just taking the information in. “I only wanna look out for you.”

“I totally appreciate that. But April’s not the enemy.”

Sterling feels a small jolt, saying that aloud. Even though they’ve been talking about her the whole car ride, this is the first time either one of them has actually said April’s name in this conversation. It makes the discussion feel more pointed, more purposeful. Like Sterling is making a declaration of fact, drawing a line in the sand, rather than just dancing around one.

Blair, for her part, nods. Sterling knows that she’s holding herself back, an action which doesn’t come naturally. It makes Sterling’s heart squeeze with love for her sister.

“Fine,” Blair agrees. “But if she breaks your heart again, she’s gonna have to deal with a hell of a lot worse than the old Wesley check.”

Sterling smiles and plugs in Blair's phone to turn on some music. “Understood.”

\--

Sterling expected to be nervous for Monday’s Fellowship meeting, but she actually finds herself both excited and uncharacteristically calm. She knows from past experience that she and April do work quite well together, and she feels more prepared and centered than she’s felt about anything Fellowship-related in quite some time.

Ellen announces their two names with a flourish, and April flashes a wide, proud grin at Sterling that reminds her of the day they presented Solomon’s Temple.

The day she kissed April for the first time.

Their presentation is concise and well-organized. Ellen was right, of course; April has a knack for making people pay attention, her ferocity and intensity offering no other alternative, but Sterling can feel her own confidence growing as she notes the way their classmates lean in to listen to her, too.

Sterling closes the meeting with Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ellen beams and claps, and their classmates actually follow suit. Sterling looks over at April, who’s staring back at her with an unreadable expression.

“Girls!” Ellen yelps excitedly as their classmates start to file out. “If I could give you a letter grade on that, it would be an A triple plus! I knew you two could do it!” She clasps each of their hands, drawing them closer together.

Sterling feels overwhelmed and elated. She knew in her bones that they would pull it off, but having confirmation that their first meeting was a success is still a huge relief.

Still, though, there’s something about the look on April’s face that leaves Sterling a little off-kilter. “Let’s debrief,” Sterling suggests as Ellen bustles off to her office.

April nods. “It went well,” she remarks, tone maddeningly neutral.

“Yeah, it did!” Sterling exclaims. “Why aren’t you more excited?”

“Do we really need more excitement? I think Ellen’s about to pass out.”

Sterling tilts her head to the side, hoping the sheer force of her desire for April to be honest will have some small impact. “April,” she says softly.

April blinks a couple of times. “The topic. Made me think about my dad. Just kind of hit me there at the end.”

Sterling’s mouth drops open, and she rushes to explain, “I didn’t choose it because I think you need to—“

“I know.”

“Or because I’m asking you to, y’know, forgive _me_ —”

“I know that, too.”

Sterling lets out a puff of air. “I’m sorry. It’s just something I’ve been thinking a lot about in my own life, so.” Unmentioned is the frequency with which the topic comes up in her therapy sessions.

“It’s okay,” April says, and Sterling believes her. “I could have said no. But I think it’s important. Especially when there’s…” She cuts herself off, looking down at her shoes. When she looks back up at Sterling, her eyes are shining. “When there’s so much, between two people.”

Sterling doesn’t even know what to say to that. Her heart is pounding, hard, and she doesn’t trust herself to not do something reckless, like kiss April again.

April holds her gaze for one more second before picking up her bag. She walks a couple of steps away and then turns back around. “For the record, Sterl? I have forgiven you. Even if you haven’t forgiven me.”

“I have,” Sterling says quickly, her voice starting to feel a little scratchy. “A long time ago.”

April looks like she might start crying, or smiling, but she merely nods, once, and walks out of the room.

Sterling takes a breath, wipes her eyes, and follows after.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. I know we're all feeling really sad about the cancellation of our beloved show. It is really just such a bummer to lose a show that celebrated women and queer people, that was willing to engage in complex conversations about religion, that was funny without punching down, that was original and heartfelt. I really do believe that TBH has the X factor that many shows long for, and I'm both saddened and angry that Netflix didn't renew it. 
> 
> On my podcast, Everybody A Everybody Gay, we're continuing to honor and celebrate the series, and I want to post something that I said on our most recent episode: Obviously this is far from the worst thing to happen this year, but it’s yet another loss—particularly a loss of something that brought us joy in a dark time. And for that we get to mourn. And whatever happens, I’m glad we still get to celebrate the beauty and delight that was this show. I’m so sorry for everyone involved, I’m sorry for everyone who saw themselves in these characters and won’t get to see them again. But this is why fandom is important. Because we can create joy out of the pain, we can keep these stories alive in some way or another. And Netflix cancelling the show does not cancel our love for the show and for these characters. It doesn’t cancel the way watching these episodes made us feel.
> 
> All of that being said, let's keep the hope alive! I sincerely hope the show will get picked up by another network or streaming service. Sign the petitions, use the hashtags, and hopefully we can Save Teenage Bounty Hunters.
> 
> Take care of yourselves, everybody. <3

As the weeks go on, Sterling finds herself getting more and more comfortable with Fellowship. She and April have always worked well together, but the two of them start developing an even more natural rhythm as co-facilitators. April, always somewhat of a showboat, actually seems willing to let Sterling stand in the spotlight and share her own ideas. And Sterling becomes more adept at striking a balance between listening and leading, with April and her fellow students. Ellen starts calling them The Dream Team.

One day, after a particularly spirited Fellowship meeting on the topic of self-righteousness, Sterling is packing up when she notices Ezequiel lingering in the doorway. “Something I can help you with?” she asks warmly. Or as warmly as she can manage with Ezequiel, whom she actually likes but is often intimated by.

He takes a few steps back into the room. “You get her,” he says plainly, like he’s still working the concept out for himself. “April. Not a lot of people do. They think she’s all one thing.”

Sterling isn’t sure where he’s going with this, but she can’t deny that the compliment feels good. She wants to lean into the warmth of it. “She isn’t.”

Ezequiel shakes his head. “Nope. Hannah B. and I—I know everyone thinks we just stick around because we’re scared of her.”

“I don’t think that,” Sterling says softly. “I mean, I get why you’d stick around.”

Ezequiel’s face twitches with a smirk. Not a mean one. “I know you do.”

Sterling gulps. There are so many things he could mean by that. She’s caught between wanting to ask him a followup question and trying to exit this conversation when Hannah B.’s voice calls from the hall, “Ezequiel! We need to finish making posters for April’s game!”

Sterling chuckles, grateful for the break in tension, and Ezequiel joins her. “Posters, huh?” she asks.

“We’re her cheering squad.” He holds up a finger before Sterling can say anything to that, as if she would dream of it. “Don’t start. You’ll be at the game, right?”

“Oh—I,” Sterling stammers. She rarely goes to Blair’s games, almost always tied up with her own extracurriculars. Truthfully, Sterling finds lacrosse pretty mind-numbing, so she usually sends Blair off with a good luck pep talk and then gets the play-by-play from their parents after. It’s good enough for Blair, who says she wouldn’t want their twin vision distracting her during the games, anyway.

But Sterling would be lying if she said she hadn’t been devising an excuse to start attending the games, with April on the team now. Not that any excuse would fly; Blair can see right through her, and has already begun making lewd and somewhat confusing jokes about Sterling wanting April to “guard her crease."

“I’m not sure,” Sterling settles on, though it tastes like a lie.

Ezequiel shrugs. “Whatever. If you do come, though, you should wear your hair down.”

“Why?”

He leans in a little closer, like he’s sharing a secret. “She takes twice as long to answer my questions on the days that you do.”

Sterling blinks rapidly, processing that information, her pulse thrumming. She’s dying for more information, but Ezequiel is halfway down the hall before she finds her voice again.

\--

Sterling does as suggested, of course—she’s pretty sure she could live the rest of her life without a ponytail, if it means April will be staring at her.

The Saturday of April’s first game, Sterling takes absurdly long to get ready, and Blair cackles when she finally comes downstairs.

“Too much?” Sterling asks with a frown. She’s wearing a dark blue halter dress with wedge sandals and big hoop earrings. It’s not revealing, exactly, but she knows she’ll stand out.

Blair appraises her, motioning for Sterling to spin. “Not too much,” Blair declares. “But if we lose the game because my new teammate’s mind is in the gutter, I’m blaming you.”

“What's that about your newest teammate?” Anderson asks, walking into the kitchen.

Sterling shoots Blair a look, and Blair continues in a tone that only their father would believe, “April Stevens. She actually fell _into_ a gutter. And don’t ask me how that happened, because let me tell you, it is a story. Short people, y’know? They get stuck places. She almost lost her hand!”

“Okay!” Sterling cuts in. “Anyway, she’s fine now, and I think it’s time for us to go.”

Anderson nods. “Excellent idea.” He gives Sterling a once over. “Aren’t you a little dressy, honey?”

“Well, I—”

Anderson waves a dismissive hand through the air. “Oh, who am I to give you fashion advice? I’ve had these pants since before you girls were born.”

“And they’re in _such_ great shape, Dad!” Blair chirps. “What is your secret?”

Sterling lets out the breath she’d been holding, and follows them to the car.

\--

Ezequiel and Hannah B. do indeed make for a loud and committed cheering section, but Sterling knows that their presence doesn’t detract from the absence of April’s parents. If April is upset by that, though, she doesn’t show it. Or maybe she uses her upset to propel her, because she’s merciless during the game. As sharp and laser focused as she is doing everything else.

Sterling loves watching April move, loves the intensity with which she plays, her refusal to do anything halfway. And as much as Sterling has trouble following the game, she’s able to ascertain that April and Blair are working quite well together. In fact, they seem to be winning it for the whole team.

Sterling doesn’t think April even notices her until the game is about halfway over. April is on a water break and appears to be working out some strategy with Blair. Sterling is willing April to look up to the bleachers, and then she _does_ , and gosh, Sterling should really write Ezequiel a thank you note, because the way April’s jaw unhinges, just slightly, at the sight of Sterling has to be one of the best feelings in the world.

Sterling offers a little wave, then a thumbs up, and April stares at her, just breathing for a second, before smiling back. April stares for long enough that Blair has to nudge her, and then Blair waggles her eyebrows up at Sterling before they resume their conversation.

April is blushing for the rest of the game.

\--

Despite April’s obvious distraction, Willingham easily wins the game. It’s a victory on multiple levels—apparently the other school was really good, and it’s also April’s first win since joining the team.

“We’re having a party!” Blair announces to Sterling after her celebration hugs.

“We are?” Anderson and Sterling say in unison.

“Not _us,_ ” Blair clarifies. “Hannah K. Her house is always party-ready.” She grabs Sterling’s hand, pulling her in for an ecstatic twirl. “And you’re coming!”

“And you’re showering first? I hope?” Sterling replies.

“Excuse me, this is the scent of a champion!” Blair raises her arms to the sky, proudly.

Even so, she does agree to shower, and two hours later finds them rolling up in the Volt to Hannah K.’s giant house.

“April will be here, by the way,” Blair says as they get out of the car.

“I didn’t ask,” Sterling points out.

Blair snorts. “You didn’t have to.”

“How do you know she’ll be here?”

“I have my sources,” Blair replies with a shrug.

The party is a pretty low-key affair. Hannah K. is known for being a very good Christian, and since this whole thing was so last minute, only about half the team is here. Hardly a rager, which is just fine by Sterling. She already feels out of control enough when April is near, she doesn’t need jello shots to make the situation worse.

When they walk in April is sitting right there on the couch, chatting with Hannah B. Sterling isn’t sure if Hannah K. intended for non-teammates to attend, but she’s glad to be here, so she’s not going to question why Hannah B. is, too. April looks casual but so good in jeans and a sweater, hair pulled back, and Sterling would feel overdressed if it weren’t for the way April’s gaze rakes down her body.

“Hi,” Sterling says on an exhale.

“Hi,” April replies. “You wanna sit?”

“Hannah B., I think there’s a delightful assortment of highly processed snacks in the kitchen. Care to peruse them with me?” Blair suggests.

Hannah B. stands up slowly. “Okay, but my mom says high fructose corn syrup is Satan’s nectar.”

Blair grimaces at Sterling as they start to walk away. “Well, I’m sure we can find you something…”

Sterling settles onto the couch beside April. Pretty much everyone else is in the kitchen or, presumably, Hannah K.’s massive game room; they have the couch to themselves for now.

“You did a really good job today,” Sterling tells April.

April smiles, looking genuinely pleased at the compliment. “Thank you. I have to say, I really like it.”

“Blair’s treating you okay?”

April nods. “We butt heads sometimes, but for the most part, it’s okay.”

“Good.”

Sterling shifts and the skirt of her dress spreads out, covering April’s hand. “Sorry,” Sterling mutters, but April doesn’t seem to mind. She rubs a bit of the material between her thumb and forefinger.

“You dressed up,” April remarks.

Sterling bites her lip. “I wanted to show my team spirit.”

“This isn’t even one of our school colors.”

“Should I not have warn it, then?” Sterling teases.

“No!” April says, too quickly, and Sterling laughs. “I just—it’s good. For the team.” April clears her throat. “Speaking of teams, I wanted to let you know something.”

Sterling frowns, because April’s tone sounds more serious. “Okay.”

“I’ve decided to step down as debate team captain.”

“Why?” Sterling asks. “You’re a great captain.”

“I agree,” April replies. “But I have a lot on my plate this year, and while I love debate, my other accomplishments matter more, in the long run. I'll still be on the team, though. And I’d like to recommend you as my successor.”

Sterling gapes. “Me? I’m not—”

“You’re good, Sterling. You might be a little rough around the edges, but you have good instincts. And if this Fellowship arrangement has proved anything, it’s that you’re a worthy leader.”

Sterling shakes her head in surprise. “I don’t think you’ve ever said so many nice things about me in a row.”

April glances down at her lap, looking like she’s holding back a smile. “They’re all true. Shocking as it may be to hear me say them. What do you say?”

“It’s a lot of responsibility,” Sterling points out, but already the idea is exciting to her. It’s be a challenge, for sure, but one that she thinks she could handle.

“So think about it. Think about it and get—”

“Yes,” Sterling decides, firmly.

“Really?”

Sterling nods, and April lets her smile bloom in earnest. “Great. I'll get you up to speed on Monday.”

“Does this mean you won’t get to boss me around anymore?” Sterling asks. She means it as a joke, but April’s eyebrow twitches. Sterling really needs to learn to control her mouth.

Then again, maybe Sterling’s mouth is perfectly fine, because April replies, “I wouldn’t count on that,” in a voice a little lower than is strictly necessary, and _wow,_ Sterling will be thinking about that later.

She holds April’s gaze, and it’s like a dare, seeing who will break first, but then Hannah B. is bounding back over with a plate covered in chips and guacamole. Blair follows behind with her own platter of makeshift nachos.

“This party is the best!” Hannah B. declares, plopping down next to April.

“Yeah,” April replies, staring at Sterling the entire time. “It really is.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was supposed to cover a much longer span of time, but it totally got away from me. At this point, I doubt we'll finish in another three chapters, but we shall see!

In the before time—which is to say, before she knew about her adoption—Christmas was, without a doubt, Sterling’s favorite time of year. She loved everything about the season, from the lights to the music to the church services. Her dad’s parents always spent the holiday in Florida, and they didn’t bother to extend an invitation to their sons’ families to join them, but that was just as well for Sterling. Not having to deal with her conservative relatives only made Christmas more perfect.

Sterling still loves Christmas, but it’s a little more complex now. All the talk of family and togetherness makes her think about Dana, twisting around in a police cruiser to give a stunned Sterling one last look. When Sterling looks at her family’s Christmas card, she gets a pit in her stomach; their happy expressions feel like lies.

It’s complicated. She knows in her bones that Debbie and Anderson are her parents in every way that counts, and there’s no question that Blair is her sister. They’ve been through hours of family therapy at this point, in all combinations of the four of them. It’s hard work, but good work, and it’s taken some time but Sterling understands now the choices that her parents made.

Still, though, it _hurts_ sometimes. Sterling took for granted the normalcy of the before time, and now when she’s hit with a reminder of the truth, it has a tendency to knock the wind out of her.

The whole Christmas season is dampened by another giant reminder: Sterling’s birthday. In one of the many long, dramatic family discussions that took place after the night of the lock-in, Sterling learned that her actual birthday is, as it turns out, a good two months before Blair’s—a fact which breaks her heart on multiple levels, not the least of which is the image of Debbie, seven months pregnant, cradling an infant Sterling to her chest. That puts Sterling’s birthday square in the middle of December, exactly ten days before Christmas.

Last year, in the immediate aftermath of the Dana reveal, everyone was too raw to attempt any sort of celebration. Even Christmas was a somber affair, with minimal gifts and some morose processing late in the evening. Come February, Blair made it clear that her birthday was Sterling’s, too, but her forced enthusiasm was so overwhelming that both Sterling and Debbie ended up crying in the kitchen.

This year, Debbie approaches Sterling at the beginning of December, asking how and if she wants to honor her actual birthday. Sterling doesn’t have a perfect answer. The whole adoption situation is still a secret from everyone outside their household who isn’t a therapist, per Sterling’s request, so a big celebration is out of the question. But even her mom’s suggestion of a low-key game night at home sounds forced and awkward.

When Sterling voices her uncertainty, Debbie nods, taking that in. “We’ll find our groove with it,” Debbie says, and Sterling crawls across the bed to hug her mom, because she knows they’re both trying so hard.

Sterling’s birthday happens to fall on a Saturday this year. Blair wakes her up with a tackle hug that turns into them snuggling in bed and watching _Glee_ for two hours.

“I don’t understand this show,” Blair comments. “It’s like, I hate it, but I can’t stop watching, y’know?”

Sterling nods. They’ve just finished the episode where Santana sings "Songbird" to Brittany, and Sterling knows that if she tries to talk, her voice will come out all scratchy.

Blair notices, and wordlessly hands Sterling a tissue. “One more before breakfast?” Blair suggests. “I think Mom made chocolate chip pancakes.”

“Okay,” Sterling agrees.

Neither one of them have acknowledged what day it is yet, or the fact that now Sterling is technically an adult but Blair isn’t. It’s a thought that feels too wrong to verbalize.At breakfast, Debbie doesn’t call them out for coming down at eleven. Anderson fumbles his way through a toast about loving his family, looking very meaningfully at Sterling the entire time.

It’s not quite just another day, but that wouldn’t be right, either.

“I love you guys,” Sterling says, a little soggily.

Debbie smiles. “Oh honey. Boy, do we love you.”

Sterling kind of futzes around for most of the day, feeling restless and exhausted at the same time. Her family tries to give her space, but she can feel them hovering, clearly wanting to be available and supportive for any potential activity Sterling might decide on. Finally she needs a break, and announces that she’s taking the Volt for a drive.

She drives aimlessly, for a while, listening to her favorite Christmas albums on shuffle and taking in all the pretty lights and decorations. Kelly Clarkson has just started singing “Please Come Home For Christmas” when Sterling realizes where she’s ended up. She’s about a block from April’s house.

Of course she would somehow drive here without meaning to.

Sterling could just drive home. It would be really weird to show up at April’s house on a Saturday at six pm. What would she even say? _Hi, April. I was taking a depression drive on my secret birthday and your face is the only one I want to see._

No sooner has the thought entered her mind than Sterling realizes how true it is. She wants to see April. Only April.

Kelly sings the next line, “ _So won’t you tell me, you’ll never more roam. Christmas and New Years, will find you home,”_ as Sterling parks the car. She notes that the Stevens house, which, if her memory of past Christmases serves her correct, used to be decked out in tasteful but elaborate decorations, only has a small manger out front this year.

Sterling takes a deep breath, second- and third- and forth-guessing herself, before knocking on the door. April answers almost immediately, and her face flicks from surprise to a small half-smile that Sterling feels in her gut.

“What are you doing here?” April asks, not unkindly.

Sterling shrugs. “I was in the neighborhood,” she offers, sounding completely unconvincing even to herself.

April clearly doesn’t buy that, but she steps aside and gestures Sterling in. “My mom’s out,” April says. “Visiting my aunt.” Sterling isn’t sure if she tells her that to make conversation or for some other reason, but the headline of that statement is that they’re alone.

It hits Sterling at once. She’s alone, with April, in April’s house. Which is a total recurring fantasy of late: Sterling showing up, suave and confident, sweeping April off her feet and up to her bedroom.

And what does Sterling do in this present moment? She starts to cry.

Not just cry. Sob.

April looks immediately alarmed, rightfully so. Sterling is sagging against the doorframe of her living room, totally freaking losing it. April opens and closes her mouth a few times, placing a tentative hand on Sterling’s shaking arm, and Sterling just reacts, pulling April against her for a fierce hug. April is still for just a second before hugging Sterling back, guiding Sterling’s head down to her shoulder and murmuring, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Sterling clutches at April, desperately, trying to breathe. She finally regulates herself enough to squeak out, “It’s my birthday.”

April pulls back enough so they can look at each other, but still keeps her arms around Sterling. “What? Your birthday is in February.”

And that makes Sterling heave with a few more quieter sobs, not only because April remembers, but because April has in fact celebrated Sterling’s birthday with her many times over. A montage of homemade cards covered in hearts flashes through Sterling’s mind, and she squeezes April a little tighter.

“Blair’s birthday is in February,” she manages. “Mine is today.”

April’s eyebrows are knit together in confusion. “I think we better sit down,” she suggests, moving her hand to take Sterling’s and lead her to the couch.

From there the story just spills out. It’s like Sterling can’t hold the words back anymore. She tells April about Nandina—“So that’s where you were that day,” April realizes—and the kidnapping, about being tied up and thinking she might actually die, about Debbie pulling a gun on Dana and the relief of safety immediately being replaced by the utter devastation of Dana’s confession. And how now here her family is in the after, picking up the pieces of a lie that turns eighteen this very day.

“Wow,” April breathes when Sterling has finally finished speaking. “I—Sterling, that’s a lot to handle.”

Sterling gestures at her wet face and the ever-growing mass of tissues in her lap. “Clearly I’m handling it really well.”

“I think you’re doing pretty great, considering,” April says, putting a warm hand on Sterling’s knee. “I just can’t believe I never knew you were going through all of that.”

“How could you have? We kept it a secret.”

April shakes her head a little sadly. “So many secrets.”

“Ours was more fun,” Sterling says before she can think to edit herself.

April’s eyes light up, just slightly. “I can’t argue with that.”

Sterling’s hand has landed on top of April’s, and she finds she doesn’t want to move it. “I’m sorry for showing up here like this. I kind of thwarted your Saturday.”

“You did no such thing,” April replies. “Although if I get anything lower than an A on my trig test next week, I’m holding you personally responsible for eating into my study time.”

Sterling smiles fondly. “Studying on a Saturday night? You rebel.” She eyes the clock on April’s wall, noticing that it’s nearly seven. “I should get back. Blair has probably insisted on ordering every possible form of takeout I could possibly want.” She thinks about her family, waiting for her back at home in their warm, cozy house, and April here, all alone in this big empty one. “Do you want to come?”

April’s face cycles through a few different emotions before she shakes her head. “No thanks. I really do need to study. Plus my mom will want to have dinner together when she gets back.”

“How are things with her?”

April shrugs. “We can debrief _my_ family drama another time. But long story short: things are okay.”

Sterling is savoring the way April grouped them as a “we,” and she’s about to get up when April squeezes her knee. “Thank you for telling me. Though I must admit, I’m a little curious as to why?”

It’s another question Sterling doesn’t have a perfect answer for. “I trust you,” she settles on. “And I want you to know me, I guess. All of me.”

It sounds a lot more loaded than she intends, and April must feel that way too, because her eyes widen. The moment is heavy with the emotions of the day and the words left unsaid. Sterling is hyperaware of April’s hand, still on her knee, somehow both grounding Sterling and making her feel like she could float toward the ceiling.

“You should get back,” April says, a prompt for them both.

“Yeah,” Sterling replies, way too breathily, and it’s only then that April moves her hand.

The walk to the door feels too short. “Thank you,” Sterling says firmly. “I really needed this.”

“Anytime,” April replies. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Sterling knows she means it casually, but the comment still lands, hard. April’s smile is lopsided and so pretty. Sterling wants to kiss her, to drag her either up the stairs or out to the car. She wonders what it would be like if she brought April home with her tonight, if her parents were to meet April again not as Sterling’s former friend but her maybe someday.

Her maybe today.

Sterling shakes the feeling off, knowing she’s getting way ahead of herself. Instead of a kiss she winds up saluting April, which April loudly laughs at before shutting the door.

On the drive home Sterling sings along to Mariah Carey, not even trying to deny that she sees April when she belts the line, _“All I want for Christmas is you.”_

She feels wrung out but better than she has all day, more in her body, as she pulls into the driveway. “You look happy,” Blair comments suspiciously when Sterling walks inside. “Where were you?”

“Give the girl a break,” Anderson says. “You ready for dinner, honey?”

Sterling nods, letting herself be pulled into a one-armed hug by her father. “Yep. I’m glad to be home.”

It is, thankfully, the truth.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super long, and it also rides the line on the T rating. Nothing explicit, per se, but brief mentions of explicit things. What can I say, Sterling is horny.

The morning after her birthday, Sterling wakes up to two texts from April, both sent just after six am.

The first one reads: **You don’t require my validation on this, but I’ve known you and Blair for over half my life** _,_ **and you two are sisters in every sense of the word.**

The message is sincere in such a specifically April way that it makes Sterling’s heart ache. April’s right, Sterling doesn’t need her validation, but it feels good to have, nonetheless.

The second one reads: **And by the way, happy birthday.**

Sterling texts back immediately: **thank you. I’m legally an adult now. what’s the first thing I should do?** It’s the kind of stupid but significant question that she can’t ask Blair, at least not right now.

She puts her phone down and climbs out of bed, expecting a delay considering that April texted her nearly an hour ago, but a few minutes later her phone buzzes again: **Register to vote!**

Sterling grins and types back, **well, duh, but i was thinking more tattoos and porn** _,_ just to get a rise out of April.

 **You absolute heathen** _,_ comes April’s swift reply.

 **this heathen will see you at church in a couple hours** , Sterling types back.

**Try not to burst into flames when you cross the threshold.**

Sterling pokes her tongue through her teeth, deciding to be slightly bold: **is that your way of calling me hot???**

April doesn’t respond right away, and Sterling worries for a minute that she might have taken it too far. They’ve been teetering on a bit of a tightrope lately, as sort-of-friends with an extra, added something that neither is quite ready to acknowledge. And Sterling’s well aware that whether intentional or not, her drop-in last night upped the intimacy between them.

She’s considering taking the matter to Blair when her phone buzzes twice:

**You know that’s not what I meant.**

**(Well, maybe a little.)**

Sterling basically floats through the rest of her morning. April blushes when she sees her at church, and it feels like a victory.

\--

Christmas is a pretty low-key affair this year, but that’s perfectly alright by Sterling. It actually feels like Christmas, in her heart and in the house, and that’s a definite improvement over last year’s somber lack of a celebration.

The days before and after sort of blend together in that pleasant, holiday haze. There are church services and the nativity play. Sterling and Blair do their yearly tradition of walking around the neighborhood with giant thermoses of hot chocolate, ranking their neighbors’ decorations. Debbie has a constant stream of old holiday movies on in the background while she wraps presents and bakes: _It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, White Christmas_ (the last half of which Sterling ends up watching with her mom, coming to the realization that she has a crush on Rosemary Clooney). Anderson blares Bruce Springsteen’s Christmas album from his wood shop as he toils away on homemade gifts.

Yolanda invites Sterling and Blair over for a holiday meal at her place, where it feels like the two of them spend the entire time in twin vision, trying to determine if Bowser and Yolanda are together yet. The flirting between them has taken on a softer edge; they’re more relaxed around each other, less guarded. Yolanda gives the girls walkie-talkies—cool, fancy ones—and Bowser hands them each twenty-seven dollars in cash.

(“Twenty-seven?” Sterling says. “What an oddly specific number.”

“Are we still getting paid for our last job, or…?” Blair wants to know.

“Cash is really dirty. And bad for the environment,” Sterling points out. “You could have just Venmoed us.”

“Y’know, I could also just take it back!” Bowser announces, making a weak grab for the cash.

Sterling and Blair hug him from both sides and sing-song, “Thank yoooou!” in unison.)

April and her mom left on the last Friday before Christmas break for a week with family, so Sterling tries to focus on other things. They text a little here and there, but April is busy, and Sterling doesn’t want to be a nuisance. If she happens to be counting down the days until April’s return, it’s not on purpose.

Christmas Day itself is always Sterling’s _favorite_ favorite, because it’s the one day when Debbie lets them lounge in pajamas the whole time, eating whatever they want, with a fire going in the fireplace and Christmas music in the background and a never-ending pot of hot chocolate on the stove. There are the usual presents—gift cards, new clothes, a few practical items, wooden swans from her dad—and two new books for Sterling: biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt and Frida Kahlo.

Her parents watch very seriously as Sterling opens them. “They’re, both, y’know,” Anderson begins.

“Bisexual,” Debbie states, looking Sterling right in the eyes. It’s the first time she’s said the word without stuttering, or glancing away, and Sterling feels her throat get tight.

“They’re also both badasses,” Blair adds.

“Language,” Debbie and Sterling say in unison, before breaking into a tearful laugh.

“I love them,” Sterling declares, genuinely, launching herself over the growing pile of presents to hug each of her parents fiercely. “Thank you.”

“I’m totally getting a Frida tattoo someday,” Blair mutters.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” Debbie says, arms still wrapped tightly around Sterling.

Later that night, Blair comes into Sterling’s room carrying another wrapped box. Sterling frowns. “More presents?”

Blair sits on Sterling’s bed. “Couldn’t give you this one in front of Mom and Dad.”

Sterling takes a deep breath, because with Blair she never knows what she’s going to get, and slowly pulls the paper back. It takes her a good twenty seconds to fully process what she’s looking at, and when she does, her mouth drops open.

“You bought me a…strap-on?” she whisper-yells.

Blair grins. “Yep. Sure did. How cool of a sister am I?”

Sterling scoots back on the bed. “I would like to revisit our conversation on boundaries.”

“Hear me out!”

“I’m sitting on my bed on Christmas with my sister and a sex toy!”

Blair holds up a finger. “Okay, but listen! When and if you ever get to that place with April or any other girl, don’t you want to be prepared? Instead of having to endlessly scroll through the internet or visit a sex shop—which I think could be a totally fun activity for us at some point, by the way—you’ll just reach into your nightstand—”

“I’m _not_ keeping this in my nightstand—”

“Grab some lube—there’s lube in there, it smells like strawberries—and bam! You’re ready to rock and roll! Blair’s got your back.” She frowns. “Or front?” She pauses, considering. “Or back! I don’t judge where you put it!”

Sterling hangs her head, feeling herself flush. “Oh my God.”

Blair smiles. “I realize you may need to process this gift, so I’m just going to say you’re welcome.” She leans forward, planting a kiss on Sterling’s cheek. “Merry Christmas, Sterl.”

Sterling stares at the box for a long time after Blair leaves, running the pads of her thumbs over the extremely vivid picture on the front. She doesn’t have the courage to open it, to actually touch the thing, but she also can’t look away. Eventually she shoves the box under her bed, which does nothing to quell her fixation on it.

Sterling knows that God is always watching, but she really hopes he’s glancing away that night as she engages in a very long and detailed fantasy of April fucking her with the strap-on.

In the morning Sterling can’t even look at Blair. “And how was the rest of your night?” Blair asks with the biggest shit-eating grin.

Sterling sticks her tongue out and ignores Blair’s cackle as she pours herself some coffee.

\--

April’s flight gets in late, two days after Christmas. Sterling isn’t sure if they’re quite in the hang-out-just-to-hang-out place, without the impetus of Fellowship duties to push them together, but she wants to be, and she suspects that April does, too. She plans to reach out to April the day after she gets back with a “ _Welcome home, god I’ve missed your face,”_ message that will hopefully sound less eager by the time she actually sends it.

Which is why it’s a huge surprise when, the morning after April’s return, Sterling walks downstairs to the sight of April in her kitchen.

April in her kitchen, wearing tight athletic pants and a loose tank top that totally shows off her sports bra. April in her kitchen, her body covered in a sheen of sweat. April in her kitchen, lips wrapped around a water bottle that she’s currently gulping from.

Sterling is carrying her laptop, phone, and a water glass, and she nearly drops them all, staring at the muscles in April’s neck as she drinks. Eventually April catches Sterling out of the corner of her eye, smiling bemusedly as she sets her water down.

“Something I can help you with?”

Sterling clears her throat. “Um. What are you doing here?”

“Yo, Stevens!” Blair’s voice booms as she careens into the kitchen, tossing her lacrosse stick from hand to hand. “You comin’ back out, or what? Oh, hey, Sterl.”

Sterling’s gaze volleys between the two of them. “What’s going on?”

“Coach asked me to take April under my wing,” Blair explains. “Sharpen her skills up before the end of break.”

“My skills are plenty sharp,” April replies. “I just kicked your ass out there.”

“Did you?” Blair teases, snagging an apple out of the fruit basket. “Or did I let you win to up your confidence?”

April looks like she wants to respond but Sterling cuts in instead, asking, “Didn’t you just get in last night? Like, super late?”

April nods. “Yes, but I got Coach’s message during my trip, and there wasn’t any sense in wasting time when I could be improving.”

“Stevens couldn’t wait to spend time with her new mentor,” Blair says around a bite of apple. “I’m basically a life coach.”

“I’d pray for anyone who went to you as a life coach. They would most likely end up dead in a ditch,” April replies, but Sterling hears affection there, buried underneath it all.

Sterling blinks a few times, still taking all of this is. Not only is April here, but she’s here as a guest of Blair’s. And they might actually be friends? Unless Blair is playing at something.

Sterling zooms in on her sister:

_Are you trying to Parent Trap me?_

_Parent Trap you? That doesn’t make sense. If Mom and Dad broke up and we tried to get them back together,_ that _would be Parent Trap-ing._

_Don’t even joke about that!_

_I’m just pointing out facts!  
_

_Okay, fine. Sister Trap, then._

_Sister Trap sounds like something gross. Like a genre of porn._

_Stop changing the subject! Answer my question!_

_You mean with April? No, Coach genuinely asked for my help._

_And only yours?_

_No, but I don’t see what the big deal is. You guys are friends, right?_

_Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know what we are! But it was very startling to see her in my kitchen looking like…that._

_Ooh, so sweaty and disheveled is your type, huh? Or maybe just April is your type?_

_Blair. A warning would have been nice._

_Sorry, sorry! You’re right. But the look on your face is pretty priceless._

“Are you guys okay?” April asks.

“Totally okay,” Sterling replies, but it comes out high and squeaky. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Better make it a cold one,” Blair sing-songs.

April, for her part, doesn’t comment, merely following Blair back outside.

(Sterling does not take a cold shower. She takes a long, hot one, and gets herself off twice thinking about April’s neck.)

\--

Over the next several days, April ends up spending a lot of time at the Wesley house. She comes over in the mornings to practice lacrosse with Blair, and Sterling stands in the kitchen, pretending to be looking at her phone but totally staring at the two of them out in the yard.

She finds she can’t look away. There’s the April-is-hot of it all, but it’s more than that. Seeing the two of them work together, as teammates who might be turning into friends, it makes something inside of Sterling bloom.

April and Blair are naturally hungry after their morning workout, so it makes sense to start including April in the lunch plan. They’ll all pack into the Volt and go through various drive-thru windows, April complaining all the while about Blair or Sterling’s driving, but singing along to the music by the time they head home. It’s not how Sterling expected to spend her winter break, nor is it how she imagined spending time with April. But it’s kind of nice, nonetheless.

On the fourth morning of this routine, Sterling gets up a little earlier. She has her LGBTQIA+ support group today, and she wants to be ready by the time Blair and April are finished practicing.

Sterling feels oddly nervous as she does her makeup and gets dressed. April knows about her support group—it’s come up during their various lunch chats—but she always gets a little quiet when the topic comes up.

A big part of Sterling wants to ask April to join her today. She knows how good it would be for April to sit in that circle, surrounded by other people who get it, who she could listen to and learn from. But on the other hand, Sterling is so glad to have April back in her life, even if it’s not exactly how she wants her, and she doesn’t want to spook her.

“Remember I have support group today?” Sterling reminds Blair and April, too loudly, when they come in from outside. “You guys’ll drop me off?”

Blair glances between the two of them, nodding. “Yep. I’m just gonna go change." She widens her eyes at Sterling. " _Slowly_.”

Sterling shakes her head. _Yeah, right, no Sister Trap._

April looks sweaty and gorgeous, as she always does on these days, but she seems a bit more fidgety than usual.

“You okay?” Sterling asks.

“Where’s your group again?”

“Not that far,” Sterling replies, aiming for casual, even as her heart starts pounding a little harder. “But, I mean, far enough. Like it feels, y’know, safe. If someone was worried about not feeling safe.”

April flashes a small smile. “A theoretical someone?”

“Totally theoretical.”

April flattens her hands against the countertop. “How did it feel the first time you went?”

“Terrifying,” Sterling answers honestly. “And kind of amazing. Blair was with me, which helped. Just hearing from other people who are…”

“Gay,” April supplies.

“Yeah. Among other things. There’s nothing like it.”

April holds Sterling’s gaze for a long moment before taking a deep breath. “I think maybe I’ll go home and shower.”

Sterling’s heart sinks. “Oh. You don’t want to—”

“And,” April continues in a small voice. “Maybe I could meet you there?”

Tears immediately prick the corners of Sterling’s eyes. “For real?”

April nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

Sterling wraps her arms around her body, mostly to prevent herself from launching across the room and straight into April’s arms. “That would be awesome.”

April nods again. “Okay. Text me the address. Tell Blair I’ll raincheck on lunch.”

“Will do,” Sterling agrees, her heart feeling full enough to burst. “See you there.”

\--

April is late, and Sterling is trying not to obsess.

She checks her phone every two minutes, scrolling between her last text exchange with April and her increasingly frantic one with Blair.

She says a silent prayer that April will show. At first she thinks it’s for herself, her desire to not be disappointed by April again. But then she realizes that it’s for April herself. Her hope that April is finally in a place where she can be in a space like this, proud to someone other than Sterling, despite the fear and uncertainty.

The facilitator is just about to get started when the door swings open, and April walks in. Her eyes are teary and her hair is messy and she’s just about the most beautiful thing Sterling has ever seen.

Sterling resists the urge to fly up from her seat, instead patting the chair beside her that she’s been saving for the last twenty minutes. April hurries over, sitting down with a sharp exhale of breath.

Sterling extends a hand to her, and April hesitates for a second before taking it. “I sat in my car for ten minutes,” she whispers, her voice rough with unshed tears. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

Sterling squeezes her hand, looking deeply into April’s brave, terrified eyes, and it hits her like a lightning bolt: she’s so in love with this girl.

“It’s okay,” Sterling whispers back. “You’re right on time.”


	9. Chapter 9

Being the team captain of Forensics is, indeed, a challenge, but one that Sterling quickly finds herself enjoying. Sure, there’s the occasional power struggle to mediate, and it takes a few weeks before she feels confident enough to give the kind of direct critique that’s required, if the team as a whole is going to improve. But there’s something about the level of responsibility that gives her an undeniable high, one that’s different from Fellowship. Sterling is starting to recognize that she likes being a leader.

If she and April weren’t in such a good place, Sterling thinks the dynamic could be awkward. Sterling’s never been in charge of April, not really, and she knows that April craves control more than just about anything. And most of the time, Sterling would give it to her, gladly; heck, ninety-nine percent of Sterling’s sexual fantasies involve just that. But this is a level of control that April willingly gave up, that she entrusted specifically to Sterling. And they’re finally in a place where they can communicate about things, more or less, without either of them flying off the handle. When April offers advice, Sterling listens. If she doesn’t agree, she says so. Just further proof, it seems, of what a good team they make.

“Our school is basically being led by two lesbian moms,” Blair comments one day. “It’s kinda awesome.”

Sterling can’t disagree, especially since she now has multiple excuses to spend time with April at school. There’s always something to discuss for Fellowship, or a question about Forensics, or Blair insisting that her “lax mentee”—the nickname she uses just to get under April’s skin—sit with them at lunch to go over game highlights. Sometimes Ezequiel or Hannah B. will join them too, Ezequiel looking pointedly between Sterling and April the whole time, but not saying anything.

“You should invite Ezequiel to support group,” Sterling suggests one afternoon. She and April are finishing up notes for Monday’s Fellowship meeting on the topic of impurity. It feels a little ironic, considering how many April-specific impure thoughts Sterling has on a daily basis.

“Why would I do that?” April replies. She’s attended one other support group meeting with Sterling since winter break and has yet to say much, but Sterling can tell that she gets something out of it by the way her eyes shine afterwards.

“Well, he’s gay, right? He’s never had a girlfriend, and I’ve see him checking out the golf guys, like, a lot.” Sterling knows that this is technically gossip, but she feels like it’s gossip for the greater good, more or less.

April shifts the notebook in her lap. “We don’t discuss it.”

“Never? You guys could have such an awesome friendship of queer solidarity!”

April makes a bemused noise in the back of her throat. “Our friendship is based on other things. Like fear.”

Sterling rolls her eyes. “Oh, c’mon. He doesn’t fear you.”

April actually looks offended, pressing a dramatic hand to her chest.

“You’re not that scary,” Sterling continues, enjoying the way April’s eyes flash with mild annoyance. “Sorry to break it to you.”

April frowns. “I can be plenty scary when I want to be, thank you very much.” She glances at her notes for a second, then back at Sterling. “So, would you call _this_ a friendship of queer solidarity?” She gestures between them, and Sterling bites her lip.

This is the first time April has referred to them as friends in years.

“Totally,” she replies, even if the word “friendship” doesn’t come close to encompassing everything she feels for April.

April smiles her soft smile, the one she might just save for Sterling. “Okay, then.”

Everything changes at the next debate championship. It’s hosted at Willingham again, with Craig Wu’s school and a few others in attendance. Sterling gives her team a pep talk that morning, one that April signed off on the day before.

Ellen announces the topic, and Sterling can’t not stare at April as she hears it: “Do institutions have the right to refuse services to individuals based on religious grounds?”

She sees the color drain from April’s face, understandably. The topic may not directly call out homosexuality, but it’s subtextual at best. Sterling and April are essentially being asked to argue for their own personhood, in secret, in front of the entire school. For sport, no less. The idea of Forensics has never seemed so ridiculous.

Plus, there’s the matter of the dossiers.

Since becoming team captain, Sterling’s been completely torn about the dossier issue. She doesn’t feel right about them in the least, and if it were entirely up to her, they wouldn’t exist. But as April has pointed out, multiple times, all of the other teams will continue to compile and use them. If Willingham has any chance of winning, they have to follow suit. So the compromise Sterling has come to is telling her team that dossiers are a last resort, which kind of makes her feel like Bowser.

Now that Sterling is considered a legitimate threat, she knows the other schools have dirt on her, too. Before they knew today’s topic, she couldn’t even begin to imagine what they might lead with. The bounty hunting? The kidnapping? Her secret parentage? But now it seems obvious. Sterling is bisexual, and it’s a fact that could very well be exploited with this particular topic.

“Your weakness is your strength,” Ellen has reminded them during mock debates. And Sterling tries to convince herself that that could be true.

She’s assigned to argue the negative, which she supposes is a good thing, since she really doesn’t want to get inside the mind of a homophobe today. April, unfortunately, has to argue the positive, and after her second round she walks out slowly, white as a sheet.

Sterling rushes to meet her. “What happened? Did they bring up—”

April shakes her head. “No. But I still lost.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.” April sniffs harshly, like she’s annoyed at herself for having emotions. “Your voice was in my head, telling me to play fair, and all that crap. And then I just—I couldn’t argue for that, y’know? Ugh. I’ve gone soft.” She huffs out an angry breath. “I failed.”

Sterling takes April’s shoulders in what she hopes appears to be a very team captain-y gesture, considering that they’re standing in the middle of most of the student body. “You did not fail. Being a person who does the right thing isn’t failing.”

April looks up at her with pursed lips. “Says the person who does the right thing all the time.”

“Not all the time,” Sterling replies, and her breath catches a little, because it suddenly feels like they’re talking about something else, and this is very much not the place or time.

April’s gaze grows sharper. “Win this for us, okay?”

Sterling lets out a shaky laugh. “I’ll do my best.”

Sterling ends up doing well, really well. She doesn’t have boys to make out with but she does have April, staring at her fiercely through each round. With each new opponent Sterling waits for the other shoe to drop, for the word “gay” or “bisexual” to get hurled at her like evidence of a crime, but it doesn’t happen. Eventually Sterling makes it to the end, standing beside Craig Wu.

“The United States Constitution protects religious freedoms,” he’s saying. “What my opponent would erroneously label as discrimination, I would categorize as a lawful right to exercise said freedoms. To deny that right is to contradict the very doctrine that governs our country. While certain cultural practices and social norms may shift, citizens and institutions must have the freedom to uphold the core values of their religions.”

Sterling takes a deep breath and begins, “My opponent’s insistence on treating religion as a monolith is both archaic and close-minded. To act as though it is mutually exclusive for one to be socially progressive or true to their religious values undermines not only huge swaths of our community, but also people’s ability to change.”

Sterling feels April’s eyes on her, and something inside her snaps. The words are like a storm; she knows they’re coming and feels powerless to stop them: “And I can speak to that from personal experience. I am a proud Christian, and a proud bisexual.”

The crowd assembled in front of them actually gasps, like they really are in a freaking telenovela. April’s mouth drops open. Sterling feels a buzzing in her brain, soft at first but then growing louder, as the moderator calls, “Time,” as Willingham is declared the winner, as someone starts chanting her name and others join in. Sterling is there but also not, as though watching all of this from afar, floating above the room as bodies start to close in around her.

And then April is snatching her hand through it all, dragging her out of the crowd and into the hallway. It’s so like last time, but also not. Sterling has no desire to fight her, following numbly as April tries various doors, finally pulling them both into a supply closet.

No. _The_ supply closet.

That’s what pops Sterling’s bubble, and she starts to laugh uncontrollably. Full-on, doubled over guffawing, while April watches with growing concern.

“Did she say we won?” Sterling gasps between heaves of air.

April’s eyebrows knit together. “Yeah. Yeah, we won.”

Sterling lets out one last snort of manic laughter, breathing, “I did it.”

“Yeah, I don’t care about that right now.” April’s arms are folded, and she leans forward toward Sterling. "Are you okay? Do you want me to get Blair?”

The reality of what just happens hits Sterling as she steadies her breath. “Oh my God, I totally just came out to the whole school, didn’t I?”

“And several other schools in the area.” April sighs. “Did you plan that all along?”

“I—not exactly,” Sterling says. It’s the truth. In those last few seconds before she said the words, she knew they were coming, but not a moment before. “I wanted to be prepared, in case it was in the dossier—”

“There are rules about not outing people, they wouldn’t have—”

“They might have. Anything’s possible, right? In the rough and tumble world of forensics?” Sterling tries to inject some lightness in her tone, but she mostly just sounds kind of unhinged, as evidenced by the way April uncrosses her arms and steps closer.

“Sterling, are you okay?”

“I think so.” Sterling pauses, really considering that. “I mean, it’s out now, right? So that part’s done, I guess. Which is probably a good thing.”

“You don’t regret it?” April sounds disbelieving.

“Not yet,” Sterling decides. “Give me a full five minutes and we’ll see.” She rocks back against one of the shelves, gripping the metal in an attempt to feel somewhat grounded. “Wait, did you actually say that you don’t care we won?”

“Of course I care,” April scoffs. “But I also care about—”

“Me?” Sterling bites down on a grin.

“Yes.” April’s voice is quiet but sure, and Sterling’s heart sings. “That was incredibly—”

“Reckless? Stupid?”

April shakes her head. “I was going to go with brave. Much braver than me.”

Sterling sees so much sadness, and maybe a little regret, in April’s eyes. She wants desperately to take it away. “Well, you dragged a noted bisexual off into a supply closet. That’s pretty brave. What must they be saying?” April tenses. “I’m kidding,” Sterling adds. “Sorry. I’m just a little nervous.”

April takes another step closer, which is barely possible in this small space. She looks Sterling squarely in the eye, and Sterling feels her whole body starts to tingle. Then April raises a hand up, cupping Sterling’s cheek, and Sterling hears herself let out a shaky exhale.

“You’re trembling,” April remarks, like that’s news to either of them.

“Yeah,” Sterling manages. Her skin feels like it’s on fire from where April is touching her.

“Do you need—”

“This is what I need.” It comes out a little gruff, and so full of need. Sterling longs to pull April close by the waist, to press her against the shelf and kiss her senseless. But she feels like they’re frozen in this moment, suspended in midair.

“Sterl,” April whispers. Sterling loves the way her voice curls around the nickname, like it’s something to be protected, held sacred.

Sterling rocks forward on her toes, daring herself not to look away from April’s beautiful eyes. April, in turn, glances down at Sterling’s lips, not even trying to hide it. Sterling inhales slowly.

And then her phone buzzes from her pocket. It’s on silent but still seems so loud in the quiet room, loud enough that April jumps back slightly, pulling her hand away. Sterling almost whines at the loss of contact, wants to beg April to touch her again.

“Well, I know who that is,” April remarks.

Sterling stares at April for one more second before checking her phone. It’s Blair, of course. She’s already sent a series of concerned texts and now is calling Sterling. “She won’t stop until she hears from me,” Sterling realizes.

“She loves you,” April says plainly, without any bite.

“She most certainly does.” Sterling leans back against the shelf, regarding April. She knows she needs to deal with Blair, that she and April, in fact, need to leave this closet—and yes, she also knows Blair will have a lot of jokes to make about that later. But she’s not ready to break the spell quite yet.

“What?” April asks, sounding a bit self-conscious.

Sterling bites her lip, really considering her next statement before deciding to go for it. In the spirit of honesty, or bravery, or maybe just stupidity. “Do you remember our last championship? How you yelled at me when we lost?”

“Yeah?”

Sterling knows she’s blushing, but she pushes on. “Well, um. I came in here after.”

April winces, looking genuinely remorseful. “Oh god, did I make you cry? I’m sorry—”

“No.” Sterling shakes her head. “I _came_ in here, after.”

April frowns, like she sort of gets it but needs Sterling to fully spell it out. “What are you saying?”

Sterling sighs. She’s in this now, might as well finish the job. “Okay, so like, you grabbed me and I felt…everything I’d never felt before. And the only thing I could do was experience it. So I experienced it. All the way to my first orgasm.”

April crosses her arms, then uncrosses them. “You touched yourself while thinking about me?”

“Cards on the table? I still do,” Sterling says with a small smile. Definitely brave, and probably stupid. Her phone buzzes again, somehow seeming even louder and more insistent. “That’s Blair again. I should go.”

April makes a noise of frustration that Sterling will most definitely be thinking about later. “You can’t seriously just leave me with that.”

“Too much?” Sterling asks, even though the look on April’s face tells her everything she needs to know. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen April so red.

“Yes. And no,” April says softly, brushing some hair off her cheek.

“Very eloquent,” Sterling quips.

“Shut _up_.” The blush is all the way down April’s neck, now.

Sterling grins. “You could make me,” she replies, because apparently she’s become a person who can only talk to April in what she assumes is vaguely porny dialogue.

April’s eyes are wide and a little scandalized. “Sterling. Go.” As if on cue, Sterling’s phone starts buzzing again.

“Okay, right, sorry!” Sterling pushes herself off the shelf with mild regret. She does need to go, mostly at this point because Blair is going to call Bowser soon if she doesn’t respond, but also because she kind of doesn’t trust herself to not ruin this moment by blurting out that she loves April. Still, though, she has no desire to sever their connection. “Call you later?”

April actually pretends to ponder that before saying neutrally, “Okay. Congratulations, by the way.”

“For coming out or for winning?”

April shakes her head around a small laugh. “For all of it, I suppose. Quite the day.”

“I’ll say,” Sterling giggles, ridiculously.

She has no idea what awaits her outside this tiny room, whether she’ll be met with more congratulations or mockery, whether Blair will have to escort her out of the school like a celebrity weathering a scandal.

But the way April is looking at her, with her beautiful eyes and secret perfect smile, makes it all seem worth it.

Sterling feels like a champion.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a week, huh? I mean, seriously! I started this chapter days ago, but it honestly feels like a month has passed in the last week.

Blair manages to more or less smuggle Sterling out of school without too much drama, though Sterling thinks she hears both Ellen and Luke calling her name as Blair practically stuffs her into the passenger side of the Volt.

“So, uh,” Blair begins as they swerve out of the parking lot. “What the fuck? You okay?”

Sterling doesn’t even know how to begin answering that question. Every part of her feels like it’s buzzing, her whole body thrumming with the adrenaline of her very public coming out followed by her electrifying interaction with April.

“Think so,” she manages. “I might be in shock.” She presses a hand to her heart, which is hammering so hard she wouldn’t be surprised if Blair could hear it. “I also might be having a heart attack.”

“Take some deep breaths,” Blair instructs, and wow, if Blair is the grounded one in this situation, Sterling might be worse off than she thought. “Holy shit, dude. Talk about coming out with a bang.”

Sterling lets out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

“Way to show me how not boring you are. I can literally never accuse you of that again.”

“Guess not.” Sterling exhales shakily. “So, like, everyone knows, right?”

Blair shoots an incredulous look her way, nearly running a red light in the process. “Um, _yeah_ , I’d say so. I mean, I wasn’t even in the room, and I found out, like, thirty seconds later.” There’s a hint of bite in Blair’s statement, and Sterling glances over at her sister.

“Are you mad I didn’t do it with you there?”

Blair shakes her head, but her jaw jumps like it does when she’s lying. “Of course not.”

“I really didn’t plan it,” Sterling assures her. “It just kinda slipped out. But I—” She twists in her seat. “I don’t think I regret it. Well, I guess I’ll see on Monday if I do—”

“You won’t,” Blair replies with certainty. “Or, maybe you will, I don’t control your feelings. But in terms of people at school, you don’t have anything to worry about. I’ll make sure of it.”

Sterling kind of wants to cry, somehow for the first time all day. She knows that there’s no conceivable way for Blair to guarantee that she has nothing to worry about; that as much as it will always be the two of them against the world, that means there’s still just the two of them, and the world, Sterling has come to recognize this past year, is bigger and darker than she’d like to believe. But the fact that Blair is so convinced that the sheer force of her love is enough to protect Sterling from any potential threat—well, it almost takes Sterling’s breath away.

“You’re the best,” she says softly.

Blair smiles. “I know. So, we should tell Mom and Dad, right? Before they find out that everyone knows you’re bi from, like, Hannah B.’s awful mom?”

Sterling knows that Blair has a good point. “You’re probably right.” She sighs. As if this day wasn’t eventful enough. “You shouldn’t call Hannah B.’s mom awful.”

“She started a Facebook group to protest our mall’s first Asian Santa!”

“That was a rumor—”

“Uh uh. Hannah confirmed it.”

“Since when do you and Hannah B. talk?” Sterling frowns. “Since when do you call her Hannah?”

Blair smirks. “Since you and April started finding any excuse to hang out together at school. We’ve been forced together.” Sterling doesn’t really have a comeback for that one; Blair’s accurately called her out. “It’s fine. She’s actually kind of cool. Anyway, speaking of April—” Sterling can practically hear Blair’s eyebrows waggling. “What happened in the supply closet?”

“Nothing,” Sterling replies, but she knows she’s blushing. Blair waits a beat, likely knowing that Sterling has more to confess. “Other than me admitting that I masturbate while thinking about her.”

“There it is!” Blair cheers, slapping the steering wheel. “Sterling Wesley, you horny little minx!”

Sterling rubs the side of her neck. “Do you think I freaked her out? Is that, like, a super creepy thing to say?”

“Normally, yes. If a dude told me that, I’d kick him in the balls. But given the way you two operate, I have a feeling it’s just one more step in your weirdly long mating ritual.”

“Mating ritual? We’re not gorillas!” Sterling protests.

“ _Obviously_. If you were gorillas, you definitely would have banged by now.” Blair swerves the car into the driveway. “C’mon, queen of thirst.”

\--

“You what?” Anderson says with a hand on his hip in response to Sterling’s announcement.

Debbie’s face is drained of color as she breathes out, “Oh, _Sterling.”_

Sterling feels a knot forming in her chest and her eyes start to burn. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” she stutters out, and it’s so familiar to that day in Ellen’s office that she chokes on a sob.

“She has nothing to apologize for,” Blair says fiercely, stepping into the space between Sterling’s anxious body and their parents. “And if you guys are ashamed of her, well—”

“Good Lord, Blair,” Debbie sighs. “Of course we aren’t ashamed of her.” A different type of concern flicks across Debbie’s eyes, and she looks squarely at Sterling. “You know that we aren’t, right, honey?”

Sterling can barely nod in response, wrapping her arms around herself. “Sweetheart,” Debbie murmurs, crossing the room in a few quick steps to pull Sterling against her in a tight hug. It’s only then that Sterling fully lets herself go, the tears coming in earnest. Debbie pulls away just enough to rub the pads of her thumb beneath Sterling’s eyes. “It’s gonna be okay.”

Anderson joins them, pressing a firm but gentle palm between Sterling’s shoulder blades. “We just want you to be safe,” he explains, his voice a little scratchier than usual. “That’s all. We don’t want life to be hard for you.”

“Did you want me to keep it a secret?” Sterling asks as she regulates her breathing.

“Because if so, that’s some bullshit,” Blair adds, arms crossed.

“Language,” Debbie says. “And no, I suppose not. This family has had its fair share of secrets.” She exhales and shakes her head. “But maybe I wanted you to wait. For no real reason other than fear.”

“You’re very precious to us,” Anderson tells Sterling, walking around to pull a disgruntled Blair into a side-hug. “But if what you want is for everyone to know, then we support it.”

“I didn’t know that I wanted everyone to know,” Sterling says, truthfully. “And then I was in that moment, and it was like—I just felt… _proud_ , I guess. I didn’t want to hide.”

Debbie smooths Sterling’s hair back. “You’re a very brave girl.” And Sterling can see in her mom’s eyes that she means it.

“She’s got some big balls, that’s for sure,” Blair says, then scowls. “Ugh, I don’t like that expression. Big ovaries? Is that a thing?”

“I pray it isn’t,” Anderson replies. Suddenly his face pales. “Does this mean we have to tell Big Daddy and Mother?”

“Oh, I’m bringing popcorn to _that_ conversation!” Blair announces.

Sterling snorts out a watery laugh. “I think we wait on that.”

“Thank God,” Debbie sighs, and she hugs Sterling tighter as they laugh together.

\--

Sterling is bone tired by the time she collapses into bed that night, but there’s still one more agenda item on her increasingly eventful day. She feels too emotionally drained to call April—she’s pretty sure just hearing April’s voice would make her start hyperventilating, at this point—but she still wants to check in with her. Sterling takes a deep breath, typing a quick message before she can second-guess herself:

**hey! Just wanted to make sure I didn’t freak you out too bad earlier** ****

April’s response is swift: **You didn’t freak me out. Are you doing okay?** ****

Sterling breathes a sigh of relief, both for the quickness of April’s reply and the assurance that she hasn’t totally screwed up their relationship. Again.

 **I’m ok** , she types back. **I think. Been an interesting day** ****

 **You don’t say?** April replies. Sterling is about to respond to that when April adds: **There’s a point I’d like clarified.** ****

**about?** ****

**A thing you said in the supply closet.** ****

Sterling bites her lip. She can almost feel April’s trying-not-to-seem-too-curious vibes through the phone, and it sends a thrill through her body.

 **I said a few things in the supply closet** , she writes. **can u b more specific?** ****

**I’m sure you know what I’m referring to.**

Oh, this is going to be fun.

**Do I?**

The three dots appear, then disappear. Sterling waits with bated breath, then finally April’s message appears: **You said that you had your first orgasm after the championship.** ****

**correct** ****

**Which most definitely happened after you and Luke broke up.** ****

Sterling stares hard at the message, her heart rate quickening as she types, **u keep a good timeline** ****

 **Which would imply certain things about your relationship,** April replies.

**Such as?**

**You’re not going to make this easy, are you?** ****

Sterling can envision April’s eye roll so clearly that it makes her stomach flip.

 **what would be the fun in that?** she replies.

**It would imply that you didn’t achieve orgasm with Luke.** ****

And God, Sterling really never would have expected to fall head-over-heels in love with someone who uses the phrase “achieve orgasm” in a casual texting conversation, but here she is.

**it would indeed imply that, wouldn’t it**

**You’re not going to confirm or deny?**

Sterling considers her next message carefully. As much fun as this is, she does want to be real with April. She never wants to lie to her again.

 **no, I’ll confirm,** she writes. **Luke was the sweetest n rlly attentive. But he never quite got me there**

She sends the message and debates just leaving it there. But this is apparently her day of risk, of “daring greatly” as her mom would say, and so she adds: **Not like u did** ****

April doesn’t respond for several long minutes. Sterling worries that she took it too far, and she’s already crafting an apology text when the reply finally comes: **Fantasies aren’t reality. Technically I haven’t gotten you there, either.**

It’s a maddeningly logical response, betraying nothing of how Sterling’s previous text might have made April feel.

And then Sterling’s phone buzzes again.

**Yet.** ****

Sterling full-on gasps, alone in her room. With one word—three letters!—April has completely upped the stakes, possibly renegotiating the terms of their entire relationship.

 **is that an offer?** Sterling frantically writes back, not even worried about coming on too strong anymore.

**Thank you for clarifying my question. See you Monday.** ****

Sterling’s thumbs flying across her phone: **April!!!! Is that an offer????** ****

There’s no response for truly the longest time. Sterling’s heart is in her throat as she leans against her pillows. She feels like she could positively pass out.

April said _Yet_. In reference to the two of them _having sex_. Which a year plus ago wouldn’t have been that outlandish, but is a thought that has been firmly relegated to fantasy land in more recent time. And they’re good fantasies; they’ve gotten Sterling through more than a few long nights. But they’re nothing compared to the possibility of actual, real, in-the-flesh sex with actual, real, in-the-flesh April. Not a past hope, but a future reality.

Then again, maybe April is just having a little fun, enjoying the game of making Sterling completely freaking lose her mind.

Though Sterling knows April well enough to believe in her heart that she wouldn't do that.

She’s resigned herself to not gaining any more clarity on the situation tonight when her phone buzzes one last time. Sterling fumbles through the covers for it, her eyes swimming over the message: **Can neither confirm nor deny. Goodnight, Sterl.** ****

Sterling groans into her pillow.

Game over.


	11. Chapter 11

Sterling spends most of the weekend trying to keep herself distracted. She has no idea what Monday will bring, and while she still—perhaps naively, she recognizes—refuses to regret her decision to come out, she’s also aware that facing the entirety of Fellowship might force her to reevaluate that stance.

By Sunday afternoon Sterling is a restless mess, and the only activity that sounds remotely calming is taking Chloe for a walk. She’s walking out the door, leash in land, when she sees a familiar car parked out front. She frowns, surprised, then walks over and taps on the driver’s side window.

Luke looks up at her with mild alarm, unrolling the window. “Hey, Sterling,” he says, voice frayed with concern.

“Whatcha doing here, Luke?”

He sighs. “I wanted to see how you were holding up, but I wasn’t sure if it was okay to text you anymore. And then I thought that even if it was, I wasn’t sure what to text you. So I figured I’d just come over. But then I realized that I don’t know what to say. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes.”

Her heart pangs with affection for him. “Sounds like you’ve been going through it.”

He cracks a weary smile. “You have no idea.”

Chloe whines, pawing at Sterling’s feet. “Wanna walk with us?” Sterling offers.

Luke nods, looking relieved at the prospect of a simple action. They walk in silence for a few minutes, Sterling wanting to give him the opportunity to collect his thoughts. Before, when they were together, she might have felt compelled to fill the silence, to direct the conversation somewhere important, but she doesn’t feel that need now. It’s a little awkward but not too bad; there’s still a comfort in him, a safety. Sterling understands now that that’s not what she wants in a partner, but she appreciates those qualities in Luke, nonetheless.

“So,” he eventually says as they round another block. “You’re…bisexual.”

“Yeah,” Sterling acknowledges, her skin prickling slightly. Luke is so kind and loving, she really can’t imagine him having a big problem with this. And at the same time, to his knowledge, he’s probably never interacted with a queer person before. And he’s never handled change particularly well.

Chloe stops to sniff a perfectly-manicured lawn, and Sterling yanks her to the other side of the walkway before she can pee on it.

“Did you know while we were together?” Luke asks.

Sterling shakes her head. “No, I kind of figured it out right after we broke up.”

“I didn’t, like, _make_ you—“

Sterling cuts him off: “No, not at all. Pretty sure I was born like this.” If it was anyone else asking that question Sterling might be offended, but she knows that Luke is genuinely wondering.

He nods, taking that in. “Okay, cool. I did a little reading about it online last night. Did you know that David Bowie was bisexual? I’ve really been getting into his music lately. Don’t tell my parents, they think it’ll make me—”

His expression blanches, and Sterling supplies, “Gay?”

Luke flushes a little. “Well, they don’t know what they’re talking about. And, I mean, even if it did, that wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

Sterling stops walking. “You think?” she asks in a small voice.

“Absolutely,” Luke says, sounding more sure than he has this entire conversation. “God loves us no matter what, right?”

Sterling nods.

He offers a smile, the gentle one that used to give her butterflies. Now, it feels like a soft blanket. “I just want you to be happy, no matter who you’re with.”

Sterling could cry. She knew she could count on him. “Thanks, Luke. I want the same for you.”

“And,” he continues, “I want you to know that if anyone at school gives you trouble, they’re gonna have to deal with me. I figure Blair’s probably got that covered—”

“She does—”

“But I’m more than happy to provide backup. In whatever way I can.”

Sterling twists on her toes and impulsively hugs him, tangling Chloe’s leash around them both in the process. Luke hugs her back immediately, his hands strong and secure around her back.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, muffled, against his jacket.

On the walk back to his car, Sterling can tell that there’s something else on his mind. “What do you want to ask me?” she prompts.

He scuffs his foot against the sidewalk. “I know it’s not my business anymore,” he says. “But is there—someone? A girl or a guy or a, um, they?”

“A non-binary person?”

He snaps his fingers. “Right! Yeah. Sorry, still learning.”

Sterling can already feel that she’s blushing, and he nods, smirking. Or, as close as Luke gets to a smirk. “Ah. So there’s my answer.”

God, Sterling really has no chill. She should probably work on that.

“There is,” she admits. “A girl. But, um, there are reasons why it hasn’t really happened yet, so…”

And man, the word _Yet_ has sure become loaded in the past few days.

Luke looks at her with the same expression he wears when taking a Spanish exam. “O- _kaay_ ,” he says, drawn out and curious, like he might be working on an answer.

If he thinks it’s April, though, he’s good enough not to mention it, and by the time Sterling goes back inside, she feels more relaxed than she has all weekend.

\--

At school on Monday, Sterling kind of feels like the daughter of a president.

Blair spends every possible minute by her side, not even letting Sterling go to the bathroom unattended. They have two periods without each other, and Blair actually considers trying to bribe their teachers into letting her sit in on Sterling’s classes before Sterling talks her out of it.

One of the classes, Sterling points out, is with Luke, who does his version of a hard stare at anyone who merely glances at Sterling. And the other is with Ezequiel, who loudly starts gossiping about their new substitute’s probable facelift until Sterling’s big reveal seems like old news.

They have lunch right after, and Sterling rushes to catch up to him in the hallway. “Thank you,” she says softly, and he swivels around. “I mean, I don’t know if you did that for me, and normally I wouldn’t condone starting a rumor about a woman’s appearance. But…thank you.”

Ezequiel smirks, but there’s warmth behind it. “I got you, girl. That was a pretty badass move you pulled last week.”

“Or stupid,” Sterling replies with a nervous laugh.

“Not mutually exclusive.”

Brett Calahoon walks by just then, eyeing Sterling with waggling eyebrows, then spinning around to flick his tongue between two fingers extended into a V.

Sterling’s grip tightens around her books, and she feels Ezequiel tense beside her, likely weighing whether or not a retort is worth it. But before either of them can respond April’s voice rings out from the other end of the hall, calling, “Brett? It’s really quite tragic that that lewd gesture is the closest you will ever get to having a woman spread her legs for you.” She makes a mocking tut-tut noise as she walks closer to him, shaking her head. “Just heartbreaking, really.”

Brett’s face immediately reddens and he stomps down the hall, muttering, “Whatever.”

April turns to Sterling, eyes dark. “How much of that have you had to deal with today?”

Sterling is still trying to find her breath. Her body is on sudden overload, trying to frantically process Brett’s grossness and April’s heroic (and _hot_ ) interference. “Um, not much,” she assures April. She glances at Ezequiel. “I’ve had a good support team.”

April nods. “Good.”

Just then Blair comes barreling down the hall. “Is he still here?” she pants. “I’ll kill him!”

Sterling hangs her head. “Wow, word travels fast.”

“Where is that douchebag?!” Blair demands, already punching her fist into her hand.

Sterling puts her hands on Blair’s shoulders. “Relax. I’m fine. April scared him off.”

Blair quirks an eyebrow in April’s direction. “Really?”

“It was masterful,” Ezequiel states.

Blair nods in approval, her glare cracking into a grin. “Right on.”

April huffs out a breath. “Well, are we just going to stand here, or are we going to lunch? Our table is probably half full.” It’s a weak excuse, since no one would ever dream of taking April’s preferred table. But her wording stands out to Sterling, nonetheless.

“ _Our_ table?” Sterling echoes. “You mean…you still want to sit with me? Even though I’m, like…”

“A brave queer trailblazer?” Blair supplies.

April’s spine straightens. “Of course. We have Fellowship matters to discuss. And besides, you think I’d be intimidated by the likes of Brett Calahoon? He told me last month that he thought the Electoral College was an actual school. He’s an imbecile.”

“It might not be just Brett, though,” Sterling says quietly, realizing the reality of that as soon as the words leave her mouth.

“Well, we’ll handle them one at a time.”

“Like douchebag bowling!” Blair exclaims. “Knocking all the pinheads down!”

“Actually, that metaphor is flawed,” April points out. “Because with bowling, the goal is to knock down all of the pins at once.”

Blair rolls her eyes. “I’m _agreeing_ with you, lax mentee. Can’t you go with it?”

April suppresses a small laugh. “Fine. Like bowling.”

Blair raises two triumphant fists in the air, then loops one of her arms through Sterling’s. They walk like that all the way to lunch, and the only eyes Sterling feels on her are April’s.

\--

After Fellowship the next day, Ellen calls Sterling and April into her office.

Sterling’s heart is in her throat as she and April walk in, and not just because her brain is flooded with memories of the last time they were here together.

Ellen didn’t outright mention Sterling’s announcement during Fellowship, but she spent a few minutes up top talking about the importance of non-judgment, of Jesus’ love for everyone. Sterling knows that Ellen is a good, kind, loving person, and that if it were up to her, all of her students would take care of and accept each other, no matter what.

But Sterling also knows that it’s not all up to Ellen, that Ellen is, in fact, one in a series of moving parts at this school. And maybe one of those other moving parts decided that Sterling isn’t fit to lead Fellowship anymore. Or maybe—and this thought really makes Sterling shiver—maybe the rumors have already started, and everyone knows about Sterling and April.

“Girls,” Ellen says, sounding a little more serious than usual. “I wanted to make sure you’re both okay.”

Sterling tries to catch April’s eye, but April is staring straight ahead.

“I’m okay,” Sterling replies.

“Me too,” April says neutrally.

Ellen smiles gently. “You two are very good leaders. A really excellent team. And it’s important for teams to be on the same page.”

“About?” April says.

“Sterling’s…announcement,” Ellen continues, turning to Sterling. “How you holding up, hun? Anyone giving you trouble?”

Sterling squeezes her palms together. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“And April, you’re…comfortable with the situation?”

April frowns. “Are you considering removing Sterling as my co-Fellowship leader?”

Sterling gulps, more than a little surprised by the forwardness of the question.

Ellen’s eyes go wide. “Oh, Heaven’s no! Goodness, Sterling certainly shouldn’t be punished for an act of bravery. I admire you, Sterling, I really do. I just want to be sure you both feel supported. Kids can be cruel.” She sighs. “Adults, too.”

April glances at Sterling quickly before looking back at Ellen. “I, for one, feel perfectly comfortable.”

“Good,” Ellen replies, her smile back in place. “And Sterling?”

Sterling nods. “Me too. April is an excellent co-leader.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Ellen says. "Y'all just let me know if you need anything." Her expression brightens even more. “Oh! I almost forgot! Lock-in’s coming up. You two did such a great job last year. Can’t wait to see what you come up with this year! We’ll have our first planning meeting next week.”

Sterling’s stomach drops at the mention of the lock-in. That night last year was one of the most painful of her entire life, probably _the_ most painful, for so many reasons. She’s spent the last year working through the multiple traumas of it with her therapist, but the idea of another lock-in makes her head swim.

April must notice, because she takes Sterling’s arm as they file out of Ellen’s office, guiding her back into the now-empty Fellowship room. “Are you okay?” April asks.

Sterling shrugs. “I think that question has lost all meaning.”

“We don’t have to plan the lock-in together. We don’t even have to have a lock-in.”

“Are you kidding? It’s Willingham tradition! And possibly Ellen’s favorite day of the year!”

April presses her lips together. “I can be very persuasive.”

And of course that turns Sterling on, because her body is nothing if not predictable when it comes to responding to April.

Sterling clears her throat, aiming for mature and in control of herself. “There’s just a lot of…stuff associated with the lock-in for me.”

“I know.”

“Family stuff and kidnapping stuff and…”

“Us stuff?” April supplies.

“Yeah,” Sterling acknowledges. “Us stuff.”

April’s face twitches, like she’s considering her next move. She sits down on the couch, motioning for Sterling to sit beside her. Sterling does, and April is quiet for a few more seconds before saying, “I hope you know that I’d never do to you again what I did that night.”

“With Luke?”

“Yes,” April confirms. “And icing you out. I was scared. And I’m not _not_ scared anymore. But I would never hurt you like that again.”

When Sterling looks at April, she sees nothing but genuine remorse staring back. “I know that,” Sterling replies truthfully. “And um, just so _you_ know, I wouldn’t push you so hard to come out.”

“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready, Sterling,” April says, voice scratchy with raw honesty.

“And that’s okay,” Sterling says, picking at a stray thread on her skirt. “I think I didn’t get how lucky I am, back then. But now I get it. Or I’m starting to get it. We all have different situations. So you coming out, well, it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker.”

April stares at her with shining eyes. “It wouldn’t?”

“No,” Sterling replies, emphatically. “Especially since I wouldn’t be hiding myself from everyone. If I could be with you, in whatever way, I really don’t think the other stuff would matter.” Her voice is trembling, but she’s still proud of herself for getting the words out, for saying some version of what she’s needed April to hear for months.

April’s mouth is open slightly, and Sterling suddenly realizes how close they are on the couch, close enough that their knees nearly press together, that Sterling can feel the warmth radiating off of April. Sterling moves her arm out of her lap, so it’s pressing against April’s, and even though Sterling is wearing long sleeves today she feels the contact like a current, sliding up her whole body. April glances down at their hands, paralleled on the couch, before hooking her pinkie over Sterling’s.

Sterling knows there’s a question in her eyes when she looks up at April, though what exactly it is, she can’t be certain. Some combination of _Are we doing this?_ and _Are you ready?_ and _Is this a terrible idea?_ There’s an answer in April’s eyes, along with lingering uncertainty, _Yes_ mixed with _I have no earthy idea_. And man, Sterling can relate.

Sterling picks up her free hand, setting it on April’s bare knee, for no real reason other than her need for another point of contact. April inhales sharply once, then again as Sterling grips the back of her knee while smoothing her thumb over the top of it. The skin is a little rough there, a casualty of lacrosse, which Sterling finds so inexplicably hot. April has a small cut healing on the bony part of her knee, and Sterling longs to press a kiss to it. April is just staring at her the whole time, gaze flicking between Sterling’s eyes and the hand on her leg, breathing heavily. The hand not currently touching Sterling’s is gripping the couch so hard that her knuckles are turning white.

And then April’s gaze lifts to the doorway, and her body stiffens, and _oh right_ , Sterling realizes, they’re at school and there’s an open door literally right behind them.

“Hannah B!” April says, but it comes out all rough and gravelly. She clears her throat and stands up so fast that Sterling’s nails accidentally scrape against her leg.

“Sorry,” Sterling mutters, whirling around to where Hannah B. is standing in the doorway, blinking at April expectantly.

“Aren’t I giving you a ride today?” Hannah asks, chirpy, but with a hint of something else underneath.

“Right,” April says, straightening her skirt and reaching for her bag. “Yes, of course. Sterling and I were just discussing Fellowship.”

“You guys sure spend a lot of time discussing Fellowship,” Hannah B. remarks.

“There are a lot of responsibilities!” Sterling replies, wincing at how she sounds. Of course April’s voice got all low and sexy after their encounter, and hers has never been squeakier.

April turns to face Sterling, clearly trying to be all business but failing as the corners of her mouth refuse to turn down. “Well. A good, productive meeting today.”

Sterling gets to her feet, biting her lip to keep from grinning. “I’ll say. And I’m in for the lock-in, by the way.”

“Yeah?” April looks pleased.

“Yes,” Sterling decides, feeling right in that choice. She won’t let fear control her.

“Ooh, the lock-in!” Hannah B. exclaims. “Last year’s was so fun!”

April raises an eyebrow at Sterling, letting her smile peek through. “Something tells me this year’s will be so much better.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is looong. Also, prepare yourselves for lots of Taylor Swift talk.

The next week of school passes more or less without incident. Ellen makes it clear in Fellowship that she won’t tolerate any cruel behavior toward Sterling, and that message is reinforced any time Blair or April walk down the hall carrying their lacrosse sticks with a little more gusto than necessary. Sure, there’s the occasional weird look or whispered conversation, but for the most part, Sterling is untouchable. It’s kind of weird, but it’s certainly better than the alternative.

Lock-in planning turns out to be a pleasant distraction. Sterling is more than happy to focus on the scavenger hunt and playlist again this time, even if the tasks are fraught with memories alternatively wonderful and painful. Once more she and April are working together, but it’s different this year, of course. For one thing, they don’t have to pretend to be enemies anymore. And for another, well—

“You should come over,” April suggests, casual as anything, as they leave Fellowship one afternoon.

Sterling nearly drops the books she was loading into her bag. In all these months of rekindled friendship, she’s yet to step foot in the Stevens house, other than the night of her birthday breakdown. She’s certainly never been invited. “Really?”

April nods. “We need to work on the playlist, and I know if we do it at your house, Blair’s going to try to sneak some of her Godawful music on there.”

“She _did_ try to put Metallica on my dad’s Easter mix last year.”

“Then it’s settled,” April announces. “Tomorrow?”

“I can do today!” Sterling says, way too eagerly. “I mean—or tomorrow works…”

April sighs. “No. I, um, I’m visiting my dad today.”

Sterling’s stomach drops. “Oh. Wow. I thought you weren’t doing that.”

“I haven’t been. But my mom is starting divorce proceedings, and she wants to tell him in person.”

“And you have to go along for that?”

“I’m saying goodbye,” April says, tone resolute. “I don’t intend to visit him again, and I want to tell that to his face.”

April has this way of saying heavy stuff so matter-of-factly that the emotion is almost stripped out, but Sterling knows her well enough at this point to hear the quiver of sadness underneath. They’re standing just outside the doorway to the Fellowship room, but Sterling takes a step closer, putting a hand on April’s elbow. “That’s…that’s really big,” she says, wishing she sounded more articulate in this moment. “Are you okay?”

April’s mouth quirks, just slightly. “I think that question has lost its meaning.”

“April. You can be honest with me.”

“I know I can. And honestly, I’m not sure. Of anything. But I do think that having him out of my life will be good for me.”

Sterling feels the barest flutter of hope in her chest. “I think so, too.” She’s dimly aware that the hallway is getting more crowded, that they both need to get to their next class. “Y’know, if it’s too much tomorrow, we can work on the playlist another day.”

“No,” April says immediately. Her eyes flick to the side and she leans in closer. “It’ll help get me through today, knowing I’m spending tomorrow with you.”

Sterling could sing, or kiss her, but she settles for squeezing April’s elbow a bit tighter. “Okay. You can call me after, if you want to.”

“Alright.”

April brushes her hand against Sterling’s briefly as she disappears into the crowd of students, and Sterling’s fingers are still tingling by the time she gets to Spanish class.

\--

Sterling is on edge all evening, waiting to hear from April. Her parents have established a no-phones-at-the-dinner-table rule—an attempt at deeper family bonding, which has more or less paid off, after Blair got bored of complaining about it—so Sterling rushes through her chicken parmesan, already halfway done by the time her mom sits down.

“You training for a marathon, or something?” Anderson asks, sounding almost impressed.

“Just really hungry!” Sterling chirps, mouth full. She swallows the bite in her mouth, along with three more giant ones. “May I be excused?”

Debbie and Anderson exchange a look but agree, and Sterling practically flings her plate in the dishwasher before jogging to the couch to check her phone.

One missed call from April.

_Shit._

“I’ve gotta work on a project!” she announces to the rest of the family, still at the table. “I’ll be in my room for a while!”

She makes brief eye contact with Blair, who rolls her eyes but communicates in twin vision:

_Tell April hey, and I hope it went okay. I’ll cover for you if Mom and Dad get weird._

_Thank you. I love you so much._

_I love_ you _so much! Go support your girl._

April answers on the first ring. “Hi,” Sterling breathes out gratefully. “I’m so sorry I missed your call.”

“It’s not a big deal,” April replies, sounding normal, if a little tired. “I just thought I’d check in.”

“Are you…”

“Okay?”

“I wasn’t going to ask that.”

April’s laugh is forced but still gentle. “I am. I think.”

Sterling sinks down on her bed. “What was it like to see him?”

“Well, my mom cried, and my dad was mad, of course. Eventually the guards had to haul him away.”

Sterling can just picture April in the middle of that mayhem, and it makes her heart hurt. “What was it like for _you_?”

April is quiet for long enough that Sterling wonders if she set the phone down or hung up. But then she says, very quietly, “It was really hard. And sad. And also…” She exhales shakily. “I feelrelieved. Like whatever happens, I don’t ever have to see him again.”

“You’re incredible,” Sterling says before she can stop herself.

April snorts. “I don’t disagree.”

“I’m serious. You are seriously brave.”

“Thanks,” April says in a soft way that means the compliment matters to her. “I’m not sure if…”

“You’re not sure if what?”

“I just,” April starts again, and Sterling knows this must be important because April never lets herself falter. “I thought I needed him, but I don’t. And I think…I think _you_ helped me realize that.”

It’s probably the most sincere thing she’s ever heard April say, and it leaves Sterling nearly breathless. “I—wow,” she manages in response. “That’s, um, awesome.”

“Interesting word choice,” April quips.

“Oh, come on. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” April replies, her voice taking on an uncharacteristic lightness that makes Sterling’s stomach clench. “Yeah, I do.”

\--

The next day at school, April is a little more quiet than usual, but that’s the only indication that anything major happened the day before. She makes it clear that she still wants Sterling to come over, which Sterling rather giddily tells Blair after lunch. Blair, in a typical response, asks whether Sterling’s packed dental dams.

It doesn’t really hit Sterling until she’s halfway up the stairs of the Stevens house that she’s about to enter April’s bedroom.

For the first time in almost eight years.

April is acting like everything is normal—which she expresses by furiously critiquing their P.E. teacher’s pull-up form—but Sterling senses some nervousness in her movements as she opens the door to her room. The interior isn’t a mystery; they’ve FaceTimed enough for Sterling to have a pretty good sense of what the space looks like, and her main takeaway is that she can’t wait until April has the agency and ability to develop her own decorating style.

But it’s different to actually _be_ here. In the room where April practices ballet, and studies, and sleeps, and…

Sterling should probably get her mind out of the gutter.

“So, the playlist!” she says, a bit too brightly. “Did you have thoughts, or—?”

April folds her arm, regarding Sterling with an amused expression. “You can sit down first. I’m not timing you.”

Sterling flushes. “Right.” She sweeps her gaze around the room, seeing two options for seating: April’s desk or the bed. “Um…”

April sits down at her desk, twisting to face Sterling, and motions for Sterling to make herself comfortable on the bed. Sterling scrambles into a seated position, and once she’s settled April blinks at her, lips slightly parted.

“All good?” Sterling prompts.

April shakes her head. “Yeah, fine. I actually have a little bit of trig homework to finish. Would it be okay if we started on the playlist in, like, twenty minutes?”

Sterling exhales, relieved. “Yes, thank God. I have some Spanish work that I totally thought I was gonna have to do in the morning.”

April smiles. “Good. Wanna listen to some music? If something jumps out for the playlist we can mark it down.”

“Sure. What’re you thinking?”

April answers that by grabbing her phone, and within seconds Taylor Swift’s "Blank Space" is playing through the speaker on her desk.

Sterling nods approvingly. “Nice.”

“I put her whole discography on Shuffle for us.”

“Nobody actually uses the word ‘discography.’”

“That’s because most people are simple-minded.”

They work in comfortable silence after that. Sterling’s senses are pleasantly aware of the space around her: the clean laundry smell of April’s bedspread, the softness of the mattress, the way the music mingles with the sound of April’s pencil scratching against her paper. Sterling glances up at her every few minutes (okay, maybe short minutes, maybe more like seconds), finding April laser-focused as always, top teeth biting into her bottom lip as she focuses in a gesture at once hot and so adorable.

When "Bad Blood" comes on, Sterling can’t help but giggle.

April turns to look at her. “What?”

Sterling shakes her head. “Nothing. Just—knowing we’re both into girls, our love of this music video makes a _lot_ more sense.”

April rearranges her expression into a slightly scandalized one. “I have no idea what you mean. I liked this music video for its empowering message.”

“Right. Which is why you insisted on us watching it three times in a row that one afternoon.”

“Didn’t get much push back from you on that.”

Sterling raises a hand defensively. “Hey, I’m owning it. That video totally made me feel things. Not that I really understood them at the time.”

April holds out for one more second before nodding. “Yeah, I suppose it made me feel things, too.”

They fall back into quiet, then, and Sterling isn’t really registering what they’re listening to until another new song starts, the chords unmistakable. “Oh my God, you were obsessed with this song in fifth grade!”

April raises her head, blinking a few times as she takes in the lyrics. The song is "You Belong With Me," which Sterling remembers as one of April’s favorites.

“I wasn’t _obsessed_ ,” April protests. “It’s very catchy. Taylor’s pre- _Red_ albums are under-appreciated.”

“Are you kidding?” Sterling rises on her knees, pulse already thrumming with the adrenaline of a low-stakes debate. “You played this all the time!”

“You’re exaggerating.” April reaches for her phone. “But we can skip it, if you want.”

“No, don't,” Sterling says as the lyrics of the chorus catch her ear: _“If you could see that I'm the one who understands you / Been here all along, so why can't you see / You belong with me”_

Sterling’s heard this song dozens of times, mostly because of April. But she’s never paid much attention to the lyrics before. They listened to a lot of Taylor Swift in fifth grade, so it all kind of blended together.

But now she realizes what else was going on at that time: she’d just started dating Luke.

And suddenly this was April’s favorite song.

_Oh._

“April,” she says softly.

“Hmm?”

“Were you trying to tell me something?”

April’s eyes narrow. “What are you talking about?”

Sterling points to the speaker, where Taylor is currently asking whoever she’s singing to what they’re doing with a girl like that. “This was on every time I came over.”

April shifts in her chair. “Not every time.”

“Did you _like_ me?”

April rolls her eyes. “Sterling, my tongue has been in your mouth. It shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that at some point in our past, I’ve liked you.”

Sterling presses her palms against the mattress, refusing to be distracted by April’s mention of tongues in mouths, which she knows is a dirty trick.

It’s not like the idea of April having a childhood crush on her is an entirely new one; Sterling’s been more or less wondering that since the night at the Fun Zone, content to let it be a mystery for the time being as she’s dealt with more urgent matters.

But in this moment on April’s bed, with Taylor Swift’s voice sending Sterling into some kind of sensory memory tailspin, all Sterling wants is confirmation of her suspicions.

“Did you like me back then?” she clarifies.

April hesitates, and Sterling can only imagine the mental debate she’s having with herself right now. “Yes,” she finally reveals. “Maybe not consciously the whole time. But…yes.”

Sterling is about to respond when April continues, “And just so you know, it’s not like I’ve secretly been pining over you for years. I really did hate you there for a while.”

There’s so much Sterling wants to say to that, but all that comes out is, “And now?”

April’s jaw shifts. “Obviously not.”

Sterling can’t help the wide grin that she knows takes over her face.

“Are you going to be insufferably smug about this?” April asks, but Sterling can tell that she’s fighting a smile of her own, and the sight gives Sterling butterflies. More than the confession itself, Sterling feels happy to see April being vulnerable without feeling the need to bite back in a real way.

“You _liked_ me,” Sterling teases, lightly.

“So that’s a yes, then.”

Sterling shakes her head, trying to rein in her ego. “Sorry. It’s—I’m glad you told me.”

“Well, you _did_ reveal your big supply closet moment of truth to me. I guess it’s tit for tat.” April’s eyebrow quirks. “So to speak.”

And clearly April’s been thinking about Sterling’s confession a lot, because she’s now brought it up multiple times, which just makes this whole thing even better. “Would you say that I was an Adele?” Sterling asks.

April frowns. “You remember that?”

“Of course. I remember everything about that night.”

Something passes over April’s face, an emotion that Sterling might classify as wistful, before she responds, “Yeah, one could say that.”

Sterling feels a rush of sadness low in her belly, thinking about their child selves and what could have been. God, how much time did they waste being enemies, when this magical thing existed between them all along?

She tries to push the feeling away, knowing it won’t get them anywhere, now. “Maybe we should rename it, then. A Sterling.”

“And why would we do that? Adele was the original, after all.”

Sterling gestures around the room. “Yeah, and where’s Adele now?” She leans forward on her knees. “I’m the one who’s still here, babe.” The word slips out before she can stop it, the confidence boost of this entire conversation making her reckless, as always. “I mean—”

April’s cheeks are a little pink, but that’s her only real reaction to Sterling’s term of endearment. “You’re being ridiculous.”

And yes, Sterling knows that, but she wants April to tell her why.

“Acting competitive with my second-grade crush,” April continues. “It’s silly. I barely think about Adele anymore.”

The implied other half of that statement, Sterling realizes, being just how much April _does_ think of Sterling.

“Okay,” Sterling says quietly.

“Sterling, you get that, right?” April’s tone has taken on a more urgent quality, like it’s critical to her that Sterling understands. “She may have been the first, but you’re…”

“I’m what?”

April’s gaze is so piercing that Sterling can feel it in her gut. “There is no competition. There never has been.”

Sterling’s entire body floods with warmth. The room suddenly feels like it’s a thousand degrees. She can hear herself breathing a little raggedly as she stares at April, who has begun absently twisting her purity ring around her finger. April’s lips have parted again but she rolls them together as she swallows, audibly. Sterling watches as her throat bobs, wants to taste the skin there.

And God must be in a really feisty mood today, because the next song that starts playing is "Dress."

 _Fuck_ , Sterling thinks.

“My mom will be home soon,” April says, her voice sounding all low and sexy again.

“Oh,” Sterling replies dazedly. It’s a little hard to focus. Taylor is singing about pining and anticipation, and this might in fact be the moment where Sterling simply ceases to exist. “I’m—are you asking me to leave?”

“No.”

April rises from her chair, eyes trained on Sterling the whole time. She begins to walk closer, and Sterling would swear life starts moving in slow motion. It seems like an eternity passes before April is standing at the foot on the bed.

Sterling rises on her knees again, putting them almost at eye level. April is close enough to touch, but Sterling isn’t sure if that’s what she wants, so Sterling lets her hands drift awkwardly by her sides, willing them to stay put.

“I don’t…” April whispers. “I don’t trust myself around you.”

“I trust you,” Sterling rasps without hesitation. April’s eyes keep flicking down to her lips, like she can’t stop herself.

“My mom,” April repeats. “And, um, we have the playlist.”

Sterling nods, as if she can even process that information. As if her brain isn’t basically sex mush at this point. “Okay. I’m—I’m not trying to push anything. We can work on the playlist, we can do whatever you want, we—”

The rest of the sentence dies on her lips. April’s hands are suddenly on her shoulders, and Sterling gasps.

“This is what I want,” April sighs, and then they are kissing, and nothing else matters.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter but then it got away from me and I didn't want to rush the ending, so now it's the second-to-last one. Also, things get a bit ~steamy~ at the beginning but no sex. That being said, if anyone thinks this crosses the line into M territory, let me know and I'll change the rating.

This might be the hottest moment of Sterling’s life.

Which is frankly ridiculous, she would probably think to herself—if she was in a place where thought even existed anymore—considering that she’s actually had sex before and she and April are still fully clothed. They’re not even doing anything they haven’t done before.

But it’s _different_ now than it was a year ago. Before it was all so new and exciting, each second of their time together surprising and informative. Sterling’s lived with those memories for a year, replaying them over and over in her mind while she’s fallen further in deep like and yes, eventual love with April. She’s thought of getting back here so often, and there’s been so much build up to this moment, and now—

This is almost certainly the hottest moment of Sterling’s life.

April is straddling her hips, kissing her in that intense, all-consuming way that Sterling hasn’t been able to stop dreaming about. April’s hands seem to be everywhere, cupping Sterling’s cheek and sliding up her ribs and gripping her hips, and Sterling isn’t sure if she wants April’s hands to stay in one place or keep moving; every untouched part of Sterling’s body aches for the warmth of April’s palms.

Sterling clutches April around the waist, but April’s skirt keeps getting bunched around her thighs, too constricting for their current position, getting in the way, so before Sterling realizes what she’s done she’s shoved April’s skirt up high enough that her ass is halfway exposed.

April pulls back for just a second to stare Sterling in the eyes, pupils blown, and Sterling swallows hard and whispers, “Sorry. I didn’t—”

She goes to pull the skirt back down but April catches her wrist before very deliberately relocating Sterling’s hand under her skirt, against the swell of her ass. April smirks a little as she releases Sterling’s hand, sliding her own hand along the back of Sterling’s neck.

Sterling exhales into April’s mouth as her hands readjust to this new position, her fingers flexing. And April is wearing underwear, obviously, but this is still further than they’ve ever gone, and April feels so _good._ Even through her pants Sterling can feel the heat of April, and it turns her on even more, if that was possible.

When they kiss again Sterling feels emboldened, sucking a bit harder on April’s lower lip. April makes a noise in the back of her throat that’s close to a moan, and the sound vibrates in Sterling’s jaw.

“Sterling,” April breathes against her lips, husky and wanting, like she can’t not say Sterling’s name. Sterling can only nod in response, because even though April hasn’t asked her anything all she can think is, _Yes, I know._

April kisses behind her ear and Sterling shivers, and then every hair on her body stands on end as April drags her tongue and teeth lightly along her neck. “Don’t worry, I won’t leave a mark,” April whispers, and Sterling would laugh if she could, because that is literally the furthest worry from her mind right now. In fact, she’d gladly wear bruises and bites from April all day long, damn the consequences.

“I need,” Sterling rasps, the rest of the statement dying on her lips. April’s thumb is brushing over the crease of Sterling’s thigh through her pants, and it’s close enough to the spot where Sterling really wants her to be rather distracting.

“Yes?” April prompts. She nips at Sterling’s ear before sitting back on her hips, one eyebrow arched.

Sterling blinks at her. April’s lips are a bit swollen and her chest is heaving, but she’s still regarding Sterling with a kind of bemused confidence that would be annoying if it weren’t so hot.

And also if Sterling wasn’t basically putty in her hands.

April shifts her hips and Sterling tries not to whimper at the friction it creates. “What do you need?” April asks.

Sterling exhales shakily. Her head is swimming. “Huh?”

“You said you needed something.”

And oh, April isn’t even trying to keep the teasing out of her voice. It’s infuriating, so Sterling bumps her own hips up a little, delighting in the soft gasp April lets out as Sterling hits a particular spot.

Sterling grins, leaning up to kiss April again. This kiss is slower, less frantic, but just as smoldering as April’s tongue slides against her own. April rises on her knees slightly and Sterling grips the back of her thighs, trying to bring April as close to her as possible.

And then there’s a noise from downstairs, one that Sterling distantly registers as a door slamming shut.

In an instant April is off her lap, standing back at the foot of the bed. Sterling’s body feels so cold in April’s absence but she tries to shake the feeling off, attempts to blink and breathe herself back into being a normal person and not a raging hormone monster.

“Honey?” Mrs. Stevens’s voice drifts up the stairs.

April’s eyes are wide with panic as she tugs her skirt back down and re-tucks her shirt. She tries to smooth her hair into place before giving up and scraping it back into a ponytail. Sterling watches the entire time, halfway between freaked out about what might happen and proud to be the one to so thoroughly dishevel April Stevens.

April turns off the music, which Sterling had honestly forgotten was even still on, but maybe it’s true what people say about love making songs make sense, because as "New Year’s Day" stops playing Sterling realizes that she _would_ recognize April’s laugh anywhere.

April glances over at her. “Are you just going to keep sitting there with that look on your face, or are you going to pull yourself together?” Her tone is sharp but Sterling chooses to focus on the affection underneath as she nods, redoing the top three buttons on her shirt that she doesn’t even remember April unbuttoning.

“It’s going to be okay,” Sterling says, maybe for both of their sakes. “We actually _were_ working on school stuff, so we don’t even have to lie.”

“I don’t recall a school assignment that involved you groping my ass.”

“Oh yeah, I definitely would have remembered that one.” Sterling lets herself trail a long, lingering look down April’s body, because she figures she doesn’t have to hide those anymore.

“Sterl,” April whispers, rolling her lips together.

“What?”

“You _know_ what.”

Sterling walks toward April’s door, bumping her shoulder lightly as she passes. “I’m just making sure you look presentable.”

“And what’s the verdict?” April asks, joining her at the door.

Sterling puts her lips against April’s ear, relishing in the way April shivers as she murmurs, “You look amazing.”

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question,” April points out, breath coming a little faster as she opens the door. “Alright, let’s go.”

Sterling greets April’s mother with a slightly-too-joyous, “Hello, Mrs. Stevens! It’s great to see you! Lovely day, isn’t it?”

She notices April bite the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling.

\-- 

Sterling leaves April’s house not long after Mrs. Stevens returns home, despite the fact that she and April made zero headway on the playlist. Things aren’t exactly awkward with Mrs. Stevens; she’s a pleasant enough woman, bigoted views notwithstanding, and Sterling has learned from April that Mrs. Stevens doesn’t know that she and Blair were the ones to bring her husband in—one more secret Mr. Stevens chose to keep from his wife—which helps alleviate potential tension.

Still, Sterling finds it hard to focus on Mrs. Stevens’s questions about church camp and her mom’s bookclub when all Sterling can think about is the next time she’ll get to make April moan. It doesn’t help that April keeps giving her these little half-smirks that drive Sterling wild, make her want to drag April into the pantry and finish what they started up in April’s bedroom.

Sterling has barely walked in the door before Blair is eyeing her suspiciously. “And how was April’s?” Blair asks from her spot on the couch, watching as Sterling unloads her bag.

Sterling frowns at her Spanish textbook, realizing that she still hasn’t finished her homework, though that feels pretty insignificant right now. She tosses the book on the coffee table.

“It was really good,” she replies, hearing the giddiness in her own voice.

“Oh my God, you totally scissored!” Blair exclaims with delight.

Sterling lunges toward her, pressing her palm against Blair’s mouth. “Shut it, would you? Mom and Dad are just in the other room!”

Blair wrenches Sterling’s hand off of her mouth. “That’s not a denial!”

Sterling’s cheek flush as she settles into the couch. “We didn’t scissor _._ ”

“But _something_ happened.”

And Sterling isn’t planning on keeping the afternoon’s activities a secret, but she’s still curious enough to ask, “How can you tell?”

“Well.” Blair leans back against the couch like she’s about to share some hard-won wisdom. “Your hair is messy, and not in an intentional way. Your shirt is creased way more than usual. You have fingernail marks on the side of your neck, and if all of that didn’t give it away, you’re guava pink.” She tilts her head forward. “Case closed.”

“Wow,” Sterling breathes, impressed. “You’re, like, really, good at that.”

“It’s a special skill.”

“I’m serious. You could be a sex detective.”

“So you admit that sex happened!”

“No, Columbo,” Sterling hisses. “Jeez.”

Blair grins. “Oh, you and your old people references. Bet they really rev April’s engine, huh?”

Sterling rolls her eyes. “Oh my God, if you don’t stop teasing me I won’t tell you what happened.”

“Sorry. Proceed.”

Sterling takes a deep breath, not even trying to hide the grin that she knows takes over her face. “We made out. And it was—” She doesn’t even have the words, can only shiver at the memory.

“That good, huh?”

Sterling exhales. “ _Amazing._ She came across the room and kissed me and it was like—wow.”

Blair’s eyes go wide. “Whoa, Stevens made the first move? Good for her.”

Sterling bites her lip, considering holding the next part back before adding quietly, “I did, um. Grab her butt a whole bunch.”

Blair slaps her thigh lightly. “Atta girl! So what happens now?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I definitely want it to happen again, but we didn’t really get a chance to talk about it.”

“So maybe you should, y’know, _do_ that.”

“Advocating for open and honest communication rather than a drama-filled approach?” Sterling slips her arm through Blair’s. “I’m so proud of you.”

“The growth is truly astounding,” Blair agrees, tipping her head against Sterling’s shoulder. “Sometimes I even impress myself.”

\--

That night before bed, Sterling texts April: **hey! Just wanted to see how the rest of yr night went** ****

It might be over-eager but she doesn’t really care; it’s pretty clear at this point that she’s into April.

April’s response comes a few minutes later, when Sterling is already in bed: **Pretty good. My mom said it was nice to have you over.** ****

 **oh? she wasn’t worried about her daughter being corrupted?** She knows she doesn’t have to say what about. ****

**She doesn’t listen to gossip anymore after everything with my dad.** ****

**but its not gossip,** Sterling points out.

 **She doesn’t need to know that yet,** April replies.

And, well. Fair enough.

 **How was your night?** April asks, and before Sterling can type a response April adds, **What did Blair have to say?**

Sterling grins, pleased that April understands her well enough to know that she will have told Blair, and that that isn’t an issue, anymore.

**she’s impressed that you made the 1st move** ****

**Not sure if I should be flattered or not.** ****

**she’d want you to b** ****

**Exactly.** ****

Sterling chews her lip, trying to think of a way to say, “ _I’m in love with you and I want to make out again and also definitely do other stuff. Like, ASAP,”_ without coming across like a total weirdo.

 **ive be wanting to do that for a long time,** she settles on.

**I know.** ****

Sterling blushes, even though she’s alone in her room. **that obvious?** ****

 **You have no poker face,** April replies. **So yes.** ****

Three more dots appear, and then: **But that’s not what I meant. I mean, I’ve wanted to, too.** ****

Sterling grins up at the ceiling when another text comes through: **Anyway, I’m worried about the playlist.** ****

She lets out a snort of laughter. **ok. we can work on it tomorrow** ****

**Maybe just at school.** ****

Sterling flips onto her stomach. **oh, why is that?** ****

**I’m not sure how productive we’ll be elsewhere.** ****

**we were plenty productive today** ****

**Sterl.** ****

**i’m in bed,** Sterling types before she can think better of it. **and I’ll be thinking of u** ****

When April doesn’t respond right away Sterling winces. **sorry. too far?** ****

 **Not too far,** April replies. **Just a bit overwhelming.** ****

And Sterling sucks in a breath at that message, at the thought that she has _overwhelmed_ April.

 **good overwhelming?** she has to double-check.

 **Very good,** comes April’s swift response, and then, **I’ll be thinking of you, too.** ****

Sterling’s stomach swoops and she can’t help but let out a nervous, delighted giggle.

 **i can’t wait to see you tomorrow,** she types.

**Me neither. Get some sleep.** ****

And it’s almost laughable for April to write that, when they both know what exactly will be taking place after they each set their phones down, but Sterling writes back: **u 2,** before adding a heart emoji that April quickly reciprocates.

Sterling barely sleeps that night, but in the morning she still feels like she’s on top of the world.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, folks, here it is! The long and perhaps somewhat messy conclusion. I've had a blast with this story and I so appreciate everyone who's read and commented along the way!

“I miss your face!” Sterling coos into the phone.

April smiles back at her. “My face is right here.”

“It’s not the same through a screen.”

“I know. I miss your face, too. And your smell. Especially that spot right under your ear.”

“I miss your neck,” Sterling sighs. “And that sound you make when I—”

“Okay!” Blair interjects, reaching into the backseat and snatching the phone from Sterling’s hands.

“Hey!” Sterling protests, lunging toward the front seat. “Give it back!”

“Blair, you’re gonna regret this at practice tomorrow,” April grumbles.

“Bring it, Stevens.”

April ignores that, calling out, “Text you later, Sterl,” before hanging up.

Sterling pouts as Blair hands back her phone. “We weren’t finished talking.”

“Oh, yes you were!” Blair replies. “This was supposed to be a quick check-in, not a rundown of favorite body parts.”

“It _was_ quick! Comparatively. And _you_ weren’t supposed to be listening.”

“I’m sorry, next time I’ll make sure to pack my noise-cancelling headphones and vomit bucket for when I’m forced to listen to my sister having phone sex!”

“We weren’t having phone sex!” Sterling hisses. “Plus, if you had noise-cancelling headphones you wouldn’t have to listen! And furthermore, do you know how many gross sexual things you’ve forced _me_ to listen to?!”

“Okay, you know what—”

“ _Girls!”_ Bowser cuts in from the driver’s seat. “Enough! Damn, I can’t hear myself think. Y’all need to leave this car or shut the hell up.”

Sterling scowls in Blair’s direction but mutters, “Sorry, Bowser.”

“Apologize to Blair now, too,” Bowser prompts.

“Yeah,” Blair says smugly. “Apologize to Blair.”

“Oh, don’t think you’re getting out of this without issuing an apology, too,” Bowser directs to Blair. “Nobody likes having their phone snatched.”

“Bowser, c’mon,” Blair groans. “You’re as sick of the non-stop Stepril show as I am.”

“What’s a Stepril?” Bowser asks a bit nervously. “Do I even want to know? Is it like TikTok?”

“ _Stepril_ ,” Blair repeats, like that clears everything up. “Sterling and April. Like, their ship name?”

“What’s a ship name?”

Blair sighs. “Okay, I don’t have the stamina to explain the intricacies of shipping to you right now.”

“Thank God,” Sterling says, crossing her arms.

“Hey!”

“No, I’m saying ‘hey!’” Bowser declares. “You two have been through way too much to be getting all petty like this with one another. And I’m tired of feeling like a preschool teacher.” He glances at Sterling in the rearview mirror. “Sterl, I’m happy for you and April. Truly. But the half-hour long kissy face phone calls needs to stay out of the car when we’re on the job, got it?”

Sterling huffs, more for the principle of it, but agrees.

“And Blair?” Bowser continues. “Let your sister be. Use your words. You’re at least marginally more mature than a three-year-old.”

“Fine,” Blair growls.

The car is silent for a couple of minutes before Blair says, “I’m sorry, Sterl. I shouldn’t have grabbed your phone.”

Sterling immediately feels herself soften, hearing the genuine remorse in Blair’s voice. “Thanks.”

She thinks about how supportive Blair’s been through all of this, despite her previous disdain for April and her own lack of a relationship. It really can’t be easy to hear Sterling carry on with April all the time. “I’m sorry, too. I’ll be more aware about my surroundings next time. But we just don’t get that many opportunities, y’know?”

Blair twists to face her. “Didn’t you guys spend yesterday afternoon together working on the playlist?”

Sterling nods. “Yeah, but we were at the library. And April’s still not ready to be all, like, out. Which is totally fine, it’s her life.”

Sterling means that. It’s different, this time. She understands April more, understands more about the world in general. And the fact that everyone knows Sterling is bi—everyone who matters, anyway—well, it helps alleviate the pressure of the lie.

Plus, there are some fun parts about being in a semi-secret relationship. Sterling won’t deny the little thrill she got every time April’s thigh pressed against hers at the library, their chairs scooted a bit closer than strictly necessary.

“That’s hard,” Blair acknowledges.

“April’s aunt is in town, so she’s extra busy,” Sterling explains. “And I’m not about to bring her over.”

Blair winces. “Oh yeah, Mom’s cornered me three times this week to ask who’s been making you all smily.”

“I feel like if she sees April and I in the same room, she’s gonna know instantly.”

“Well, duh. You turn into a goofy idiot whenever she’s around.” When Sterling glares at her, Blair adds with an eye roll, “A cute one. Chill.”

Sterling bites her lip. Blair isn’t wrong. Sterling and April have had way too little time together since their make out in April’s bedroom, but every moment they have had feels kind of magical and floaty. It’s like the whole world falls away for a second or two, and Sterling falls into the warmth of April’s pretty laugh and sweet smile.

She shifts in her seat, attempting to stay present and not spiral into a missing-April vortex. “So, this skip sure isn’t prompt, huh?” she murmurs, since they’ve been waiting for almost an hour.

“Criminals aren’t known for their punctuality,” Bowser replies. “We could actually not talk for a few minutes. Silence is an option.”

Blair snorts. “Boring.”

Sterling leans forward in her seat. “Nobody actually calls us Stepril, right?” she whispers to Blair.

Bowser sighs heavily and Blair grins. “Well, I do, and I’m definitely not nobody. But maybe now is the time to tell Bowser what shipping is.”

“I could be in Florida right now,” Bowser groans. “In a nice, quiet car all by myself.”

“Yeah, but you’d miss us,” Sterling points out.

“Wanna bet?”

\--

The day of the lock-in, Sterling sits on the bleachers during lacrosse practice, half-working on trig homework and half-watching April.

April seems to have made up with Blair after the FaceTime incident; they’re working well together, as always, good-naturedly giving each other a hard time but ultimately leading the team with confidence and precision.

Sterling’s glad to see it, and she’s also glad to see the way April’s eyes linger on hers during every water break, mouth twisting into a smirk before she takes a drink. Sterling never in her life thought she’d be jealous of a water bottle, but damn.

At the end of practice Blair has to check in with the coach about something, so April waits an appropriate number of beats before jogging over to Sterling.

“Did you get any work done?” April asks. Her smile is brilliant and her hair is so shiny in the afternoon sun, and God, Sterling wants to kiss her.

“For your information, yes,” Sterling replies, biting her cheek.

April raises an eyebrow as she climbs onto the bleachers beside Sterling. “Really? I had a feeling something might be distracting you.”

“Well, Hannah G.’s calves _are_ looking really good today.”

April’s eyes go wide and Sterling giggles, she can’t help it. “Maybe you’d like to sleep next to Hannah G. tonight, then,” April ponders.

“You think she’d go for it?” Sterling moves as if to call out to Hannah on the other side of the field, but April’s hand darts forward, gripping her thigh. Hard.

Sterling lets out a surprised gasp, and April immediately loosens her grip, flushing. “Sorry, I—”

“No,” Sterling cuts in, fingers covering April’s to hold her hand in place. “No, I—I like that.”

And the look April gives her, full of wonder and curiosity and _heat_ , should be downright illegal. “Noted.” She clears her throat. “Though jealousy and possessiveness aren’t traits I wish to indulge in as a partner.”

Sterling grins, utterly charmed. “Did you just refer to yourself as my partner?”

April’s ears have turned a bit pink. “I suppose I did.”

“Cool.” Sterling bumps April’s shoulder lightly. “I like that too, by the way.”

“Good. So, ready for tonight?”

Sterling nods. “Yeah, the scavenger hunt clues are all set, but I’ll get here early just to make sure—”

“Sterl.” April’s smile is almost shy, now, and Sterling realizes what she means.

“Sleeping side by side?” Sterling clarifies. April nods. “I was ready a year ago.”

April’s expression falters slightly and Sterling rushes to add, “I’m not—that’s not—” God, she’s screwing this up. “I just mean that I was ready then, and I’m even more ready now.”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want,” April whispers.

“Hey.” Sterling glances over at the field. Blair’s the only one out there still, chatting with the coach, who’s faced away from them. Sterling cups April’s cheek, gliding her thumb over April’s soft skin, stomach clenching at the way April’s breath catches.

“You give me everything I want,” Sterling says, words slow and deliberate. “Understand?”

April nods against her palm, twisting a little to press a kiss into it. There’s something else in April’s eyes now, not just lust and affection but gratitude. It’s vulnerable in a way that catches Sterling off guard, makes her have to swallow back the _“I love you”_ that’s been threatening to spill from her mouth all week. All year, really.

The feeling aches in her chest, heavy and true, and she almost wants to flinch away from April’s gaze because it’s just so much, but she finds it within herself to hold steady, instead.

And then Blair is bounding over, oblivious or maybe not caring, announcing that it’s time to go home.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Sterling says to April as they part.

April bites her lip, probably to keep from grinning, but she’s doing a terrible job. “Can’t wait.”

\-- 

Sterling has spent a lot of time talking about both last year’s and this year’s lock-in in therapy, and she’s grateful to finally be in a place where she can approach the event with excitement, rather than dread about what awful things could possibly happen.

Blair is weirdly jumpy in the car, though, so maybe she’s not quite there yet. They both arrive early, as promised. Blair trails Sterling around the school, checking her phone every thirty seconds like she’s expecting to find out she won a vacation, or something.

Thankfully, all of the scavenger hunt clues seem to be in place. The next job is going to Ellen’s office to retrieve her DVD copy of _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ , which she insisted on bringing because, in her words, “The director’s commentary really—what’s that word you kids use? Slaps.” Blair’s still absorbed in her phone, but when she realizes where they’re headed she leaps in front of Sterling, fully blocking the door.

“You can’t go in there,” Blair announces.

“Um, what? We need Ellen’s DVD.”

Blair tightens her grip on the doorway. “I’ll go in and grab it. You stay out here.”

Sterling crosses her arms. “Blair, c’mon. What’s going on?”

“Nothing!”

“That’s obviously a lie. You’ve been on your phone nonstop and now you’re not letting me into Ellen’s office?” Sterling gasps. “Oh my gosh, are you in a secret relationship?” She gasps again, louder this time. “Is it with _Ellen?!”_

“No!” Blair exclaims, incredulous.

“I’ve wondered if Ellen might be queer, honestly. But I never thought she’d do it with a student—”

“I am not having an affair with Ellen!” Blair insists. “Or anyone, for that matter!”

Sterling narrows her eyes. “Then why are you being so weird?”

Blair’s jaw tightens. “Look, it’ll all make sense in, like, an hour. Can you just be cool until then?”

Sterling holds out for one more second before recognizing that she doesn’t really have a choice. “Fine.”

Twenty minutes later and Blair’s still acting strange. To make matters worse, April still hasn’t arrived, even though students are starting to show up, and Sterling is beginning to get nervous. She’s gotten a couple of vaguely assuring texts from her, so Sterling knows April isn’t dead or anything, but the memory of last year is fresh enough to give her anxiety about the situation.

Sterling has just finished placing the pizza order when she spies Ezequiel at the end of the hallway. He seems engrossed in something on his phone but looks up when she calls out to him.

“Have you seen April?” she asks, well aware that she sounds a bit frantic.

His eyes go wide. “No. I thought maybe she was with you.”

Sterling frowns. “You’re looking for her, too?”

“Yeah, um, sort of…” His phone buzzes again, and when he whips it up toward his face Sterling happens to glance at the name of the person texting him.

_Lax Twin._

“Is that Blair?” she asks. He looks up at her sharply. “Why would she be texting you?”

Ezequiel pulls his phone toward his chest. “Nosy much?”

Sterling’s about to respond when she hears a familiar voice say, “Hey!” She spins around to see April, in cute striped pajamas, bustling toward her.

Sterling lets out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “Hi! Where’s you been?”

April takes Sterling’s hands, either unaware or unafraid of Ezequiel standing beside them—which, it’s _Ezequiel_ , so that’s fair—and Sterling notices that her eyes are shining. In fact, April’s whole body seems to be vibrating, like she just drank three shots of espresso.

“I have something to tell you,” April says, a grin beginning to peek through.

“Are you okay?” Sterling asks.

April nods, inhaling like she’s about to declare something important, and then there’s a loud call of, “Fucking finally!”

Blair is barreling down the hallway with so much determination that Sterling thinks she might knock into them. “Where have you been?” Blair demands, looking fiercely at April.

“Just a sec,” Sterling says. “April was just about to—”

Blair holds up a finger. “Nuh uh. Not now.”

“What?”

Blair sighs, looking across the two of them at Ezequiel. “It’s go-time, yeah?”

He nods. “All set.”

“Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?” April asks with exasperation.

Sterling shrugs. “I’m as lost as you are.”

Blair smiles her scheming smile, and Sterling’s stomach drops. “Blair, what did you do?”

“Follow me,” Blair instructs.

Sterling and April both glance back at Ezequiel, who makes a shooing motion with his hands. Sterling is sure neither of them will back down, and she is admittedly curious about what they’ve been up to, so she does as she’s told, tugging a slightly-less-willing April along with her.

Blair stops in front of Ellen’s office, clasping her hands together. “We cooked up a little something special for you guys,” she announces.

Ezequiel positions himself in front of the door as well. “Since y’all have been needing some alone time.”

“What are you—?” April starts, and then Blair opens the door.

The lights are off, but the room glows from candles scattered all over. There must be thirty of them, on Ellen’s desk, the bookshelves, the floor. In the center of the room is a little nest with Sterling and April’s sleeping bags, as well as pillows and blankets, and around the nest are a few dozen rose petals. There’s a speaker on Ellen’s desk, and when Blair presses a button on her phone “Slow Burn” starts playing. There’s even a little tray set up with a laptop, a giant bowl of popcorn, and a bag of assorted fun-size candy.

Sterling stands in the doorway, completely speechless as she takes in the scene.

“We know you had plans to sleep side-by-side with everyone else,” Blair explains. “But this seemed a little more romantic. And it’s been, y’know, not the easiest road for you two, so.”

Sterling stares up at her sister, mouth ajar. “You did this for us?”

“Well, obviously.”

Sterling launches herself into Blair’s arms, earning a loud, “Oof!”

April, looking equally dumbfounded, asks, “What about Ellen?”

“ _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ ,” Blair says proudly. “The whole movie, then another time through with director’s commentary.”

“Followed by an encore of _The Prince of Egypt_ , since it was such a hit last year,” Ezequiel adds. “That’ll buy you at least four hours.”

“Surely she’ll come looking for us,” April points out.

“We’ve got you covered,” Blair replies. “We’ve come up with, like, a dozen excuses for where you could be. Plus you two planned this thing so well, it’ll go off without a hitch.”

“I can’t believe this,” Sterling breathes.

“Believe it, babe!” Blair says, pressing a kiss to her cheek before releasing her. “Have fun, you two! There’s dental dams under the sleeping bags!”

With that she and Ezequiel shut the door, leaving Sterling and April alone in the candlelit room with Kacey Musgraves singing about letting the world turn.

They’re both a little stunned. “Wow,” Sterling exhales.

“This is definitely a fire hazard,” April says, but there’s delight underneath it as she walks over to lock the door. When she turns back to face Sterling, her eyes are shimmering. “I kind of love your sister right now.”

“I’m gonna tell her you said that.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Sterling pulls April closer by the hands until she can wrap her arms around her. She kisses April softly before pressing their foreheads together. “You know,” she whispers. “This is a lot of pressure. And we definitely don’t have to do anything—”

“I know. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to.” Sterling can feel April’s breath on her face, and it makes her shiver.

Then Sterling remembers something. “What were you going to tell me?”

April exhales shakily, pulling back just enough so they can look at each other. “I came out to my aunt this afternoon.”

Sterling’s mouth drops open. “You…what?”

April nods, and Sterling can tell that she’s ecstatic. “She told me today that she’s moving back to Atlanta, and, well, by my family’s standards, she’s marginally progressive. I’m still not ready to tell my mom, but I figure—now when I do, I’ll have a safety net.”

Sterling knows that it must have gone somewhat okay for April to have this reaction, but she still asks, “How’d she take it?”

“She was surprised, at first. But supportive. She said that if I ever need a place to stay she’d take me in.” April rolls her lips together. “And she said that she loves me no matter what. Which was honestly pretty incredible to hear.”

A lump starts to form in Sterling’s throat, pride and affection mixed with the deep sorrow that unconditional love is such a foreign concept to April. She pushes the sadness away, focusing on the good. “I’m so proud for you. And so, so happy for you.”

“Thank you.” April’s hands are shaking so Sterling lifts them to her lips, pressing kisses against the backs of them.

“I know how hard that must have been.”

“It was…mildly terrifying,” April admits, the use of _mildly_ doing a poor job of covering up the quiver in her voice.

Sterling pulls April against her in a tight hug, that feeling rising in her chest again, the words bubbling up along with it. And it’s probably too soon, because they technically just got together, but this has also been building for so long, since the afternoon Sterling kissed April in this very office, to be sure, but also since days and weeks and years before then. Since they were two kids on a playground and the world was so much smaller and less complicated.

“Hey, um. Listen, there’s something I’d like to tell you, too,” Sterling says against the top of April’s head.

“Uh oh. With you that could mean literally anything.”

“No, it’s a good thing. Or, I think it’s a good thing.”

April pulls back a little, eyes leveling with Sterling’s. “Okay.”

Sterling takes a deep breath, noticing the way the candlelight is dancing over April’s face, making her glow even more than she always does. “So, I love you,” Sterling says. “I’m, like, really in love with you. And I’m not saying that because I expect anything, or because I need you to say it back. I just—I really want you to know that someone loves you for exactly who you are. And that someone is me.”

“Are you serious?” April asks in a small voice.

Sterling rolls her eyes. “Of course I’m serious.”

“Sterling—”

“Remember, you don’t have to say it back!” Sterling insists, because even worse than April not saying it back would be her saying the words without meaning them.

April smiles her softest smile. “I do, though. I’ve spent years trying not to be in love with you, but despite my very best efforts, it seems there’s no use in fighting it.” A tear trails down her cheek and Sterling catches it with her thumb. “I love you. Even more now than before.”

“Yeah?” Sterling breathes, the word cracking halfway through.

“Yeah,” April confirms. “You’re the best person I know.”

“Wow.” Sterling shakes her head. This moment doesn’t even feel real. “That’s, like, quite an honor.”

“It’s the truth.”

And that sentence wrenches Sterling into a memory; April ranting about her father, angrily and beautifully wondering why people can’t just tell the truth, and Sterling making the dumbest, bravest, best choice of her life by kissing her.

And now here they are, a year and some change later, finally able to be honest with each other about who they are and what they want. It’s nothing short of beautiful.

April pulls Sterling against her in a searing kissing, one hand fisted in her hair and the other gripping her hip. Sterling kisses her back with equal intensity, dragging them both down to the ground to the soft nest that’s waiting there for them.

Later, as she’s tracing patterns on April’s bare back, the thought occurs to Sterling: if she could go back to the night of the last lock-in and explain everything that would happen, would she?

Would she let herself know that things will get worse before getting so much better, that she’ll spend the next year redefining family and love and identity, reshaping her idea of future and truth and how to be a good person?

Would she show herself this vision of a sleeping April Stevens beside her, exhausted from the clumsy and wonderful sex that they’ve just had in their teacher’s office, of all places?

Would she assure herself that Blair will indeed come around on April and that her parents will come around on the queer thing, to the point that her mom actually seems excited at the prospect of finding out the identity of Sterling’s mystery girlfriend?

Would she explain that she’s part of a group of fellow LGBTQIA people, and that they’ve become her family too, in a way that she never could have predicted, and that one day April will proudly sit beside her in these meetings?

Would she relay that she comes out to the school with a bang, and though it isn’t always easy it also makes life so much better?

Would she tell herself that it’s okay if she’s uncertain, and it’s okay if she kind of hates her parents and April right now because they’re still going to be there for her, that she can find it within herself to forgive and be open and loving, because she’ll be rewarded with so much more happiness than she can even imagine right now?

No, Sterling decides as she snuggles closer to April under the blankets, beginning to drift off. She wouldn’t go back, because she needed to figure those things out on her own. She needed to walk through the fire to get to the other side. If she knew what would happen maybe it would all turn out differently.

And where she’s ended up right now? Well, she wouldn’t trade it for anything.


End file.
